childhood tale
childhood tale
HUNTING
I?ve often thought about why men are compelled to kill animals for sport.
Is it a character weakness to destroy a creature thanks to some sadistic primal urge? Or does it serve as a valve to contain more sinister tendencies?
I really don?t know. I do know, however, that many little boys capture bees, flies, grasshoppers, potato bugs and various others insects for the sole purpose of torturing them until their eyes X. They rip their legs off. Pluck their antennae. Even cut their wings with scissors, a nation of six-year-old Mengeles, cruel kids with an executioner?s blood-thirst.
I was guilty of the same tricks. Many hours were whiled away on our Redmond farm catching bumblebees in an empty Mason jar, filling it with water, then cocktail-shaking the pollen-thick bee loco.
Why? Who the hell knows? Maybe I was getting back in the only way I knew how for my dad?s paddlings. Maybe it?s a little kid?s only control. Maybe we didn?t have enough television stations back then. Whatever it was, it was pretty pathetic as I think back on it.
And it only got worse for a few years.
I got my first BB gun in fifth grade for Christmas. I received strict orders not to shoot birds, only targets. Yeah, that lasted about seven minutes. If my parents hadn?t put the taboo on gunning down birds it might not have been such a thrill to hunt them. But knowing you?re doing ?something wrong? puts a charge into childhood disobedience. So after dinging up a few black-circle targets, I headed up our alley for game: sparrows, mockingbirds, robins, blue jays, cardinals--the indigenous birds of Dallas.
I?m ashamed to say I shot hundreds of them from fifth-through-eighth grade. I had friends who did the same thing. My brothers, too. We stalked ?em, winged ?em, killed ?em, and tossed them in the bushes. It was sick, embarrassing behavior. But we couldn?t stop.
My only excuse is that we acted out of ignorance, out of that drive to break away from authority. It was a twisted catharsis. Teenage boys have carried this visceral hum since the discovery of fire. Killing the father, Freudian separation, whatever psychological blather-spin you want to put on it, this behavior is age old. Vandalism, stealing, fighting, shooting birds these are young, hormonally amok manifestations that brand male adolescence. Hopefully, it?s as bad as it gets.
In eighth grade something happened to me that changed my thinking in regards to knocking birds off limbs.
My dad had always enjoyed hunting, as did my brother Jeff. I mean real hunting, shotguns to dove and duck, rifles to deer. I?d tagged along on the bird hunting but never tracked any sort of animal until my dad took me deer hunting for the first time.
We went for the weekend, staying in a friend?s cabin. After Saturday passed, nobody in our party of five had spotted a buck. The second day, I was paired off with my dad and we sat silently in our blind (a wooden structure about ten feet off the ground) while the other men and my brother were doing the same thing somewhere far away from us.
The afternoon folded into dusk, my dad and I whispering the light away. It was nice spending time with him, probably the longest one-on-one we ever spent together.
Finally, after not spotting a thing in two days, we saw a deer venture into a clearing about 60-yards away.
My dad lifted his rifle, fit the butt to his shoulder, and peered into the scope.
?I can?t tell if it?s a buck or not,? he whispered nervously. (Shooting a female deer was against the law.)
I squinted, trying to help, but the combination of dusk and distance made identifying antlers impossible. ?I can?t tell,? I whispered back.
My dad stuck his eyeball even tighter to the scope to ascertain the sex. ?Damn, I just can?t tell.? He frowned. ?There?s something happening on top of its head, I think.?
There it sat: the question of whether it was a buck or doe. To shoot or not to shoot.
As I watched my dad strain into that scope I sensed he really didn?t want to pull the trigger. I know I was already at that point. The deer seemed so peaceful, innocent, standing in that trail, its head alertly shifting toward the slightest movements and sounds.
BOOM! The rifle exploded.
The deer dropped to the ground without a kick.
It was one hell of a shot by my dad. I was impressed he hit it from such a distance. But watching the deer lay inert on the earth made me wish he hadn?t pulled the trigger.
?C?mon,? my dad said, ?let?s go see what I killed. I pray to God it?s a buck.?
My dad kept repeating his prayer as we scrambled down from the blind and ate ground toward the dead animal. When we were ten feet away my dad sighed, ?Thank gawd, it?s a buck.?
I saw the antlers and the blood flowing from its shoulder right above its heart. It was the perfect entry shot, exactly where a hunter is supposed to aim.
My dad didn?t speak for a few minutes. I could see he wasn?t proud of himself. Finally, he shook his head at the glassy-eyed beast and said, ?I?ll never do this again. I feel bad for taking its life. I don?t mind killing birds, but this ... this is a thing of nature.?
I couldn?t reply. I?d never seen nor heard my dad feel shame for something, not in this magnitude anyhow. I just sat there staring at the buck?s hooves while blood painted the dirt scarlet.
I remember thinking one thing above all: that my dad had never really wanted to kill this poor animal. It was all just kind of a race to him, a competition. He wanted to be the first man in our group to kill a buck. He succeeded. No one else even fired a shot that weekend.
My dad never went deer hunting again.
Quite soon after that, I stopped shooting birds.
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