Michael Jackson Jokes
Late-Night Jokes About Michael Jackson and the Child Molestation Case
Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
"Good news for Michael Jackson, not guilty on ten counts! The bad news -- he's going to Disneyland!" --Jay Leno
"It's like they always say, if you're rich and white, you can get away with anything." --Jimmy Kimmel, on the Michael Jackson verdict
"The next big question is, Will Michael Jackson be Robert Blake's new golf partner or Scott Peterson's new girlfriend? --Jay Leno
"Johnny Cochran died and had a funeral. You know who was at the funeral -- both O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson. In fact, Michael cornered O.J. and said, 'How do you get stains off a glove?'" --Bill Maher
"Michael Jackson was caught on tape saying he was a virgin until he was the age of 32. I mean, is that really shocking? I mean, he was a black man guy 'til he was 35." --Jay Leno
"As you know, Michael Jackson late again to court twice this week?have you seen him? Two people helping him walk into the building; he's constantly late; he's crying a lot; he's walking stiffly?I think he's going through menopause." --Jay Leno
"Michael brought his personal magician into court with him. Good to see this thing doesn't turn into a circus. I guess the magician's job at Neverland was to make the young boy's pants disappear." --Jay Leno
"According to the news, Michael Jackson is broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch. So the next time you see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking for lunch money." --Jay Leno
Michael Jackson, late for court again today, you know, because of his bad back. Well, you'd have a bad back too if every conversation you had in your life involved having to bend over and ask, "What's your name?" --Jay Leno
"A lot of people think Michael may be suicidal. That's the latest theory. Just last night he swallowed an entire bottle of Flintstone Chewables." --Jay Leno
"A lot of people thought Michael Jackson was faking it yesterday but people who know Michael say he does have back problems that flare up from time to time. Like when he's on trial for child molestation." --Jay Leno
"What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Dick Cheney? One has pasty white skin, fake body parts and he's creepy; the other's Michael Jackson." --Jay Leno
"Michael Jackson claims that his partners would sleep in the bed, while he slept on the floor. You know, it's the same arrangement the Clintons had." --Jay Leno
"The judge in the Michael Jackson child molestation trial selected 250 candidates for the jury pool, while Jackson himself has selected 20 for the kiddie pool." --Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"According to a Gallup poll, 17% of those asked still have a favorable opinion of Michael Jackson. That may not sound like much, but it's still more than any of the Democratic candidates running for president." ?Jay Leno
"Michael Jackson now using the internet to communicate with his fans. Which makes sense, that?s how he met most of 'em." ?Jay Leno
"After turning himself in yesterday, Michael Jackson was placed in handcuffs. I think he helped his case when he asked 'These are neat, do they come in smaller sizes?" ?Jay Leno
"Michael Jackson announced this week that the Neverland Ranch is no longer home to him. He said he can?t go back there. Which of course is really bad news for the kids locked in the crawlspace." ?Jay Leno
"Now he is out on bail ? again he still doesn't get it. When a reporter asked him what he is going to do now, he said, 'I'm going to Disneyland.'" ?Jay Leno
"Early today Michael met with his priest ? not for spiritual advice, they went on a double date." ?Jay Leno
"Michael Jackson turned himself into authorities today and now the court may take away his kids. Don't worry, Michael's working on a deal where he can dangle them on the weekends." ?Craig Kilborn
"The saddest part of this Michael Jackson scandal is that all of this could have been avoided if he just stuck to grabbing his own crotch." ?Craig Kilborn
"Michael Jackson was arrested yesterday. According to the Santa Barbara Police, Michael Jackson is 5'11 and only weighs 120 pounds. Michael is able to keep his weight down because he only orders off the children's menu." ?Conan O'Brien
"Michael says he is going to fight these charges tooth and nail ? because those are the only real body parts he has left." ?Jay Leno
"Several celebrities have stepped forward to defend Michael Jackson ? Woody Harrelson, Roman Polanski, Pete Townsend." ?Craig Kilborn
"I can sum up Michael Jackson's legal defense in three words: dead man moonwalking." ?Craig Kilborn
"Yesterday an arrest warrant was issued for Michael Jackson and today by mistake cops picked up Diana Ross." ?Jay Leno
" I guess they got Michael on that new law ? 3 tykes and you're out." ?Jay Leno
"Did you hear who Michael Jackson's lawyer is? He hired Scott Peterson's attorney Mark Geragos. Geragos' slogan is 'no client too sleazy.' See Michael's smart cause he knows that next to Scott Peterson he looks innocent." ?Jay Leno
"Police swarmed all over the Neverland Ranch for 12 hours, about 60 investigators and found a lot of items that needed explaining. Like the wedding photo with Lisa Marie Presley." ?David Letterman
"His bail was set at $3 million dollars because he is considered a flight risk. Cause, you know, he could run off anywhere and blend right in." ?David Letterman
"If you've been watching television today, so it begins, the Michael Jackson mini-series kicked off. The glee, the salivation in the news people. The CNN logo had an erection. If you looked closely, the 'N' was standing tall. ... By God people, there is a Medicare bill to debate! If only the Senate molested the Medicare bill." ?Jon Stewart
"Yesterday federal agents raided Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch in Santa Barbara. This isn't good. People are gonna start saying this guy is peculiar. Apparently Michael Jackson was so upset he contacted Rush Limbaugh's housekeeper to get some sedatives." ?David Letterman
"I guess they had 60 federal investigators going over the Neverland Ranch property for 12 hours and didn't find anything. But they did turn up OJ's knife." ?David Letterman
"Earlier today, police raided the Neverland ranch. Michael Jackson was so upset he dangled himself over a balcony." ?Craig Kilborn
Late-Night Jokes About Michael Jackson and the Child Molestation Case
Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
"Good news for Michael Jackson, not guilty on ten counts! The bad news -- he's going to Disneyland!" --Jay Leno
"It's like they always say, if you're rich and white, you can get away with anything." --Jimmy Kimmel, on the Michael Jackson verdict
"The next big question is, Will Michael Jackson be Robert Blake's new golf partner or Scott Peterson's new girlfriend? --Jay Leno
"Johnny Cochran died and had a funeral. You know who was at the funeral -- both O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson. In fact, Michael cornered O.J. and said, 'How do you get stains off a glove?'" --Bill Maher
"Michael Jackson was caught on tape saying he was a virgin until he was the age of 32. I mean, is that really shocking? I mean, he was a black man guy 'til he was 35." --Jay Leno
"As you know, Michael Jackson late again to court twice this week?have you seen him? Two people helping him walk into the building; he's constantly late; he's crying a lot; he's walking stiffly?I think he's going through menopause." --Jay Leno
"Michael brought his personal magician into court with him. Good to see this thing doesn't turn into a circus. I guess the magician's job at Neverland was to make the young boy's pants disappear." --Jay Leno
"According to the news, Michael Jackson is broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch. So the next time you see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking for lunch money." --Jay Leno
Michael Jackson, late for court again today, you know, because of his bad back. Well, you'd have a bad back too if every conversation you had in your life involved having to bend over and ask, "What's your name?" --Jay Leno
"A lot of people think Michael may be suicidal. That's the latest theory. Just last night he swallowed an entire bottle of Flintstone Chewables." --Jay Leno
"A lot of people thought Michael Jackson was faking it yesterday but people who know Michael say he does have back problems that flare up from time to time. Like when he's on trial for child molestation." --Jay Leno
"What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Dick Cheney? One has pasty white skin, fake body parts and he's creepy; the other's Michael Jackson." --Jay Leno
"Michael Jackson claims that his partners would sleep in the bed, while he slept on the floor. You know, it's the same arrangement the Clintons had." --Jay Leno
"The judge in the Michael Jackson child molestation trial selected 250 candidates for the jury pool, while Jackson himself has selected 20 for the kiddie pool." --Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"According to a Gallup poll, 17% of those asked still have a favorable opinion of Michael Jackson. That may not sound like much, but it's still more than any of the Democratic candidates running for president." ?Jay Leno
"Michael Jackson now using the internet to communicate with his fans. Which makes sense, that?s how he met most of 'em." ?Jay Leno
"After turning himself in yesterday, Michael Jackson was placed in handcuffs. I think he helped his case when he asked 'These are neat, do they come in smaller sizes?" ?Jay Leno
"Michael Jackson announced this week that the Neverland Ranch is no longer home to him. He said he can?t go back there. Which of course is really bad news for the kids locked in the crawlspace." ?Jay Leno
"Now he is out on bail ? again he still doesn't get it. When a reporter asked him what he is going to do now, he said, 'I'm going to Disneyland.'" ?Jay Leno
"Early today Michael met with his priest ? not for spiritual advice, they went on a double date." ?Jay Leno
"Michael Jackson turned himself into authorities today and now the court may take away his kids. Don't worry, Michael's working on a deal where he can dangle them on the weekends." ?Craig Kilborn
"The saddest part of this Michael Jackson scandal is that all of this could have been avoided if he just stuck to grabbing his own crotch." ?Craig Kilborn
"Michael Jackson was arrested yesterday. According to the Santa Barbara Police, Michael Jackson is 5'11 and only weighs 120 pounds. Michael is able to keep his weight down because he only orders off the children's menu." ?Conan O'Brien
"Michael says he is going to fight these charges tooth and nail ? because those are the only real body parts he has left." ?Jay Leno
"Several celebrities have stepped forward to defend Michael Jackson ? Woody Harrelson, Roman Polanski, Pete Townsend." ?Craig Kilborn
"I can sum up Michael Jackson's legal defense in three words: dead man moonwalking." ?Craig Kilborn
"Yesterday an arrest warrant was issued for Michael Jackson and today by mistake cops picked up Diana Ross." ?Jay Leno
" I guess they got Michael on that new law ? 3 tykes and you're out." ?Jay Leno
"Did you hear who Michael Jackson's lawyer is? He hired Scott Peterson's attorney Mark Geragos. Geragos' slogan is 'no client too sleazy.' See Michael's smart cause he knows that next to Scott Peterson he looks innocent." ?Jay Leno
"Police swarmed all over the Neverland Ranch for 12 hours, about 60 investigators and found a lot of items that needed explaining. Like the wedding photo with Lisa Marie Presley." ?David Letterman
"His bail was set at $3 million dollars because he is considered a flight risk. Cause, you know, he could run off anywhere and blend right in." ?David Letterman
"If you've been watching television today, so it begins, the Michael Jackson mini-series kicked off. The glee, the salivation in the news people. The CNN logo had an erection. If you looked closely, the 'N' was standing tall. ... By God people, there is a Medicare bill to debate! If only the Senate molested the Medicare bill." ?Jon Stewart
"Yesterday federal agents raided Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch in Santa Barbara. This isn't good. People are gonna start saying this guy is peculiar. Apparently Michael Jackson was so upset he contacted Rush Limbaugh's housekeeper to get some sedatives." ?David Letterman
"I guess they had 60 federal investigators going over the Neverland Ranch property for 12 hours and didn't find anything. But they did turn up OJ's knife." ?David Letterman
"Earlier today, police raided the Neverland ranch. Michael Jackson was so upset he dangled himself over a balcony." ?Craig Kilborn
