From College Football News . . .
By Pete Fiutak
What's your beef? ... E-mail with your thoughts
Past Whimsies 2006 Season | Preseason Part One, Part Two | Week 1
If this column sucks, it?s not my fault ? Michigan RB Mike Hart guaranteed it would be better this week. There was no question in his mind. Then he found out that Chad Henne was hurt, and then he wasn?t so sure.
By now, you?d think Michigan fans would be used to being out of the national title hunt in mid-September ? I have nothing against Michigan. It?s hard to hate the only place in the world where my McLovin fake ID ever worked. However, the meltdown theater in the aftermath of the 0-2 start has been a guilty pleasure to watch unfold. From the disgruntled fan base, to the grouchy player interviews, to the angry coaches, to the constant in-game shots of fans looking like Beavis when a Michael Bolton video comes on, this is becoming far more entertaining than the actual Wolverine games.
Cue the Chumbawamba ... All that was missing from Lloyd Carr?s instantly classic ?nothing can keep me down? rant was 1) him banging a shoe on the podium while screaming that he?ll bury Notre Dame. 2) Stuart Smalley coming out to give him a hug, make him look into a mirror, and say, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."
Figuring out combunatorial mathematics, hooking up with Minnie Driver, and getting Ben Affleck and Robin Williams another good role would be far easier than solving the problems in the Michigan secondary ? (Lloyd Carr calls Mike Hart into his office, shows him film of the first two games, and shows him his stats)
CARR: Look here, son.
Hart, who had been looking away, looks at Carr.
CARR: (cont'd) This is not your fault.
HART: (nonchalant) Oh, I know.
CARR: It's not your fault.
HART: (smiles) I know.
CARR: It's not your fault.
HART: I know.
CARR: It's not your fault.
HART: (dead serious) I know.
Carr comes around his desk, sits in front of Hart.
CARR: It's not your fault.
HART: (tears start) Don't (bleep) with me, Lloyd. Not you.
Hart shoves Carr.
CARR: It's not your fault.
HART: I know.
CARR: It's not...
HART: (crying hard) I know, I know...
Carr takes Hart in his arms and holds him like a child. Hart sobs like a baby. After a moment, he wraps his arms around Carr and holds him even tighter. We pull back from this image. Two lonely souls being father and son together.
Maybe he should be doing more yelling and saying the word Michigan more ? Unfortunately, Carr will end up being remembered by many Michigan fans as the guy who lost to Appalachian State and failed to get to the national title game in a BCS world. It?s amazing how his r?sum? gets dumped out the window, while Bo Schembechler, especially now that he?s gone, is hailed as such a legend despite not doing many of the things Carr's been able to achieve.
Carr, unlike Bo, has a national title. Carr is the only Michigan head coach to win four straight bowl games. Carr has gotten his team to the Rose Bowl in three of the last four years, and while Michigan lost all three, one was to a Vince Young-led Texas team, and two were to the current USC juggernaut. Carr got the Wolverines to within a whisper of playing for the national title last year. Last year. Not ten years ago. Bo almost never had teams within shouting distance of a championship. History will treat Carr far kinder than the present.
Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to watch last week?s Oregon game again ? Here?s a quick history lesson to possibly use as a reference if the Wolverines turn this around. In 1980, Michigan struggled in its opener, winning 17-10 against a miserable Northwestern team that ended up going winless. The Wolverines lost at Notre Dame, and then lost at home to South Carolina, for a rough 1-2 start. They then reeled off nine straight wins including a Rose Bowl victory over Washington. Wolverine fans can dream.
And maybe, just maybe, they play better when their uniforms don?t make them look like a bunch of militant peapods from space ? Maybe, just maybe, Oregon is really, really good. Everyone has just assumed that Michigan stinks and lost to an average team.
Cut to a shot of Michigan students looking like
their rejection letters from Northwestern
Cut to a shot of Michigan students looking like they did when they saw what Michigan State girls looked like.
Cut to a shot of Michigan students looking like they did when they received their rejection letters from that one dream Ivy League reach.
