D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to
hell for up to 8 full hours.
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression
by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two
days.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and
loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were
as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they
moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two
full cups swallowed before an evening out increases
breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents
conception.
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of
country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other
drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women.
Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You
make me want to be a better person ... Can we get
naked now?.."
B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to
shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit
limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be
used on anyone too eager to share their life stories
with total strangers in elevators.
N A G A M E N T
When administered to a husband, provides the
same irritation level as nagging him all weekend,
saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it
Ladies & Real Women:
Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
****************************************************
Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub
it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink.
You might still have the headache, but who cares?
****************************************************
Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar
cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Wome! n - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the
cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
****************************************************
Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
****************************************************
Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use
a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake.
Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.
****************************************************
Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.
****************************************************
Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.
****************************************************
And finally the most important tip....
Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women - Leftover wine??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to
hell for up to 8 full hours.
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression
by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two
days.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and
loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were
as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they
moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two
full cups swallowed before an evening out increases
breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents
conception.
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of
country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other
drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women.
Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You
make me want to be a better person ... Can we get
naked now?.."
B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to
shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit
limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be
used on anyone too eager to share their life stories
with total strangers in elevators.
N A G A M E N T
When administered to a husband, provides the
same irritation level as nagging him all weekend,
saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it
Ladies & Real Women:
Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
****************************************************
Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub
it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink.
You might still have the headache, but who cares?
****************************************************
Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar
cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Wome! n - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the
cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
****************************************************
Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
****************************************************
Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use
a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake.
Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.
****************************************************
Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.
****************************************************
Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.
****************************************************
And finally the most important tip....
Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women - Leftover wine??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
