Top 8 Fortune Cookies Fortune
8. "What, 3 servings of Moo Shoo Pork weren't enough for you, tubby?"
7. "Your fullness will be short-lived. Like an hour, tops."
6. "Put all your money and jewelry in the egg roll and nobody gets hurt."
5. "Today's dog in alley is tomorrow's moo goo gai pan."
4. "Patron who mocks waiter's accent will unwittingly consume chef's bodily fluids."
3. "Man who look to stale cookie for advice probably make good busboy. Ask waitress for application."
2. "Your strength lies in your continued belief that what you just ate was indeed duck."
1. "Creative Chinese chef without utensils can still find ways to stir soup."
10 Questions Asked of Asians
1. Where are you from?
2. No, where are you really from?
3. Do you know karate?
4. Can you see when you smile?
5. Do you eat dog?
6. What's my name in Korean?
7. What kind of computer should I buy?
8. Where did you learn to speakee English so good?
9. Can you use a fork?
10. Do you know Connie Chung?
Confucius Says:
Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.
Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.
Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Man with penis in peanut butter is ****ing nuts.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand
Subject: Zen for the family
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for
I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are a windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, hungry, and get slapped on our ass...then
things get worse.
26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
a big deal about your birthday... around age 11.
30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Like Speechee
Seated next to a blowhard at a United Nations dinner was an Oriental man dressed in the robes of one of the Far Eastern countries. The blowhard, attempting to make conversation, leaned over and said, "You like soupee?" The Oriental fellow nodded his head. "You like steakee?" The Oriental nodded again. As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was our Oriental friend who got up and delivered a beautiful 50-minute address on the United Nations' definition of "encouragement to self-reliance" by underdeveloped countries of the world. The speech was flawless in Oxford English.
He returned to his place at the head of the table, sat down, and turned to his dinner partner and said, "You like speechee?"
8. "What, 3 servings of Moo Shoo Pork weren't enough for you, tubby?"
7. "Your fullness will be short-lived. Like an hour, tops."
6. "Put all your money and jewelry in the egg roll and nobody gets hurt."
5. "Today's dog in alley is tomorrow's moo goo gai pan."
4. "Patron who mocks waiter's accent will unwittingly consume chef's bodily fluids."
3. "Man who look to stale cookie for advice probably make good busboy. Ask waitress for application."
2. "Your strength lies in your continued belief that what you just ate was indeed duck."
1. "Creative Chinese chef without utensils can still find ways to stir soup."
10 Questions Asked of Asians
1. Where are you from?
2. No, where are you really from?
3. Do you know karate?
4. Can you see when you smile?
5. Do you eat dog?
6. What's my name in Korean?
7. What kind of computer should I buy?
8. Where did you learn to speakee English so good?
9. Can you use a fork?
10. Do you know Connie Chung?
Confucius Says:
Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.
Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.
Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Man with penis in peanut butter is ****ing nuts.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand
Subject: Zen for the family
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for
I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are a windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, hungry, and get slapped on our ass...then
things get worse.
26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
a big deal about your birthday... around age 11.
30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Like Speechee
Seated next to a blowhard at a United Nations dinner was an Oriental man dressed in the robes of one of the Far Eastern countries. The blowhard, attempting to make conversation, leaned over and said, "You like soupee?" The Oriental fellow nodded his head. "You like steakee?" The Oriental nodded again. As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was our Oriental friend who got up and delivered a beautiful 50-minute address on the United Nations' definition of "encouragement to self-reliance" by underdeveloped countries of the world. The speech was flawless in Oxford English.
He returned to his place at the head of the table, sat down, and turned to his dinner partner and said, "You like speechee?"
