Patient funnies

[SixFive]

I have had a lot of funny experiences at work. I thought I would post a few.

I had a guy who was in a water skiing accident. He caught a ski which caused the "traumatic splits". He suffered a lot of trauma to his lower body including a broken pelvis in two spots. He had a lot of pain in his private area. I took him a pain pill, and I had to do a dressing change on his pelvic external fixator. He said, "son, my dick's bigger around than a Pepsi can, but I'm not proud of it." :mj07:

 

[SixFive]

I had an 82 year old lady as a patient. She had a broken forearm from the prior week and was now admitted with anemia and mental status changes. Her confusion caused her to be extremely mean. She called me everything but a white boy. Examples include mother fucker, asshole, gd son-of-a-bitch, and bald retard. We had to temporarily restrain her to get her blood infused because she was fighting and ripping out her IVs. After she spit on me And called me a mother fucker again, I asked her if she would kiss her momma with that mouth. She said, "You're goddam right I would you black bastard!!" :mj07: Her confusion was gone an hour later after her first unit of blood was in, and she was as sweet as she could be. Crazy!

 

[kneifl]

Love it 65, keep them coming

kneifl

 

[SixFive]

A confused octogenarian was yelling for her husband. It was 2am, and be wasn't there. I told her be was home sleeping. She said to go wake him up. I asked what was wrong. She said, "you tell him he didn't fix that roof, and now it has done rained and my bed is soaking wet!" I told her I thought the roof was fine and she had just had an accident.

This same lady was yelling the next night. I went in the room and she whispered to me, "that whore Lucy peed in my bed!" She was referring to her 90 year old bedfast roommate who was not named Lucy :mj07:

 

[SixFive]

A CNA called me into a room to help her transfer an elderly black gentleman to bed from the potty chair. She had a speech impediment. I stood him up, and she said, "sit back down, Mr. Butts! Yore not feenished." He did, sat for a moment and said he was done. I stood him back up, and exasperatedly she again instructed him to sit back down bc he wasn't finished. He said, "Ma'am, I sure do feel like I'm done?" A third time I stood him up, she went to wipe him, grabbed him by the shoulders, assisted him to sit back down and said, "I donno what wong, but yore not done". By this time I was thinking to myself, :wtf: , so I said I would take a look. I traded spots with her, leaned him forward on the chair and looked. I immediately busted out laughing. I couldn't control it. I composed myself, apologized, told him he was done and clean and put him back in bed. Out in the hallway I talked to the CNA. I was laughing so hard. I said, "He was done the whole time you were making him sit back down. He's just very well endowed, and that's what you were seeing." She didn't know what endowed meant :facepalm: I said, "he has a big penis! You were looking from the back and saw it hanging down and mistook it for a turd." She immediately turned red and said, "Oh my, Tlint!! Bet that shore would hut!" :142smilie

 

[PAChicky]

That's a good one!! I had a bad week and these made me laugh. TY!! :142smilie

 

[Skulnik]

:lol:

 

[The Joker]

This is one of the best threads this month!!!!

 

[The Joker]

:mj07:

 

[Sportsaholic]

:142smilie

 

[Skulnik]

This is one of the best threads this month!!!!

Ok Clown shoes.

 

[SixFive]

At my old job, years ago, I was the supervisor. I had a nurse on 3-11 who was not the brightest bulb. I had issues with her on an ongoing basis bc she was a whore and a dumbass. She actually did the Sharon Stone uncross/cross legs in front of me once :facepalm:

Anyway, she had to give a soapsuds enema. She had some problems and came to me for help. She said the patient couldn't hold the enema and complained of a lot of pain. Normally, an enema like that will not hurt (maybe be a little uncomfortable) and the patient should be able to hold 500-1000ml without difficulty.

I went in the room with her to check it out and help her. She prepared the patient again, and proceeded to insert the tube. She started pushing it in, and I stopped her. I gave her a stern look, took the tube, and inserted it and administered the enema. She held all 1000 mls and said it didn't hurt that time.

I took the nurse in the hallway, and I asked her if she knew what the problem was. She said no :facepalm: I said, "the problem is, you gave her a soapsuds douche. Do you need a refresher course on female anatomy?" I didn't laugh then, but looking back, I have told that story a lot. She might be the dumbest whore I have ever known.

 

[THE KOD]

This comes from my RN twin sister


Her and another nurse were in the room with a old man in his ninetys. He was wearing depends and hadnt been checked for awhile.

So the nurse sticks her hand in his pants to check to see if he is wet.

He looks up and says


Thats my pecker.

 

[airportis]

:mj07: :mj07:

 

[SixFive]

Years ago, we had a patient who had suffered from a stroke. Sadly, many of you are familiar with strokes because so many people have them and the effects can be so devastating. Strokes can present a myriad of ways, but in this case, the patient had no physical deficits. She could move all her extremities, walk, and follow most commands. However, she had no short term memory, she was very unsafe, and she could only say one word.

Back in those days, we often restrained people. This lady was restrained because she kept wandering. She would go in other patients' rooms, rifle their belongings, and say her one word to them over and over. She was a danger to herself for sure. She would also say her word to all the staff and any visitor she saw.

Her restraint was called a Houdini. It was a vest restraint that was tied to the bed or chair she was in. It also had a piece that attached like underwear that was also secured to the bed, so that meant it had 4 tie-offs.

The one word she could say was "scissors" :facepalm: Over and over she would say it. Scissors, scissors, scissors. She would say it with emotion (sad, angry, meekly, threateningly, etc) and often with hand gestures. To all staff, she would say it. If u didn't know her, what would you think? Yep, she wanted you to cut off her restraints with scissors. All guests and visitors in the hospital would think that too, so that meant you had people constantly stopping staff to tell them that patient in room 204 is asking for scissors because she is tied up. People would call when they got home too. They would be mad and think the staff to be cruel and mean for having this poor old woman tied up.

Can you think of the implications though for when she wandered? She about gave other patients heart attacks bc she would get in their rooms, rifle their stuff, and animatedly wave her arms at them with whatever she was holding while saying the word "scissors" over and over. They would think they were in danger because she was threatening them with scissors :scared

 

[bleedingpurple]

Man this had to be about 20 years ago, I was a CNA at the time, a co worker says OMG you better get the nurse and come into so and so's room. I checked the room first and the confused patient had urine and blood all over his blankets.

He was holding the end of his catheter with the balloon inflated, (ouch) He said, " I can't get the G Damn TV to work!" He was trying to turn it on with his catheter.

 

[SixFive]

A code "strong" was called one night. I ran to room 106 where the code was directed. A code strong was rare and simply meant that a patient was out of control with words or usually actions.

I ran through the hallways to room 106, and when I arrived, one of my nurses was in the far corner of the room trapped by this elderly man who was about 6'1" and 220 pounds. He was screaming obscenities at her while holding onto his walker threatening her with hand gestures. Holy shit!! I distracted him long enough for her to get out of the room. A couple of my other staff had arrived to help, but I wanted the man to calm down, so I told them to step out, and I shut the door (I had no security and often had to defuse this type of situation, and with an agitated dementia patient, lots of people in he room doesn't work). I started talking to the man, and he called me every bad name he could think of with his failing mind.

He thought I was in his home, he wanted to go home, he thought his wife was in the next room, etc. He was agitated and angry to say the least. I got his wheelchair behind him, pushed it against his legs, and it made him sit down. My goal was for this guy to not fall. Once in the chair, I stood behind him, and with light pressure on his shoulders, I wouldn't let him get up. I figured he might calm down a little and he would be safe. He continued to curse me and yell, and I took him out of his room like he wanted (huge mistake on my part).

It wasn't as easy as just giving him a shot to calm him down or restraining him (which I kind of was anyway but no technically) because at this point in healthcare, physical and chemical restraints were nearly taboo.

Anyway, I pushed this guy out into the hallway, and he reached back and dug his fingernails into my hand that was on the wheelchair handle pushing him. I let go bc it hurt like a mf, and he stood up. Now this big, strong, old, yelling, and confused guy is in the hallway raising hell. I still didn't want this guy to fall. One of my staff gave him a walker to help steady him. Holy shit! Now he's using the walker As a weapon by swinging it at me and anybody else!! I got close to him and wrestled the walker away.

He's huffing and puffing and cursing and wobbling down the hallway now when he figured out he has a gait belt around his waist. A gait belt is a simple belt with an interlocking buckle that staff can use to assist a patient to walk or transfer. It gives you a handhold and place to support them. Anyway, it became a weapon for him with that hard buckle. Again, I was trying to prevent him from falling, so I was getting close. I actually caught him once when he was teetering. That's when once he straightened out his gait, he swung that belt around and around like a lasso and clipped me on the arm with that hard ass buckle! It hurt and left a substantial bruise. EMS and the police had been called, and they arrived and he was carted away on a stretcher. I can still see this old bastard swinging that gait belt at me while staggering down the hallway. :facepalm:

 

[SixFive]

Mr F. had end stage renal disease. He was usually pleasant, but he could be very ornery. He was always getting into situations or doing funny things.

He was bald, and in the past, he had undergone procedures 3 times to relieve pressure on his brain. The neurosugeon had drilled "burr holes" into his skull. These were now healed, but each burr hole was sunk in, so the top of his head looked like a bowling ball :142smilie he also continually gyrated his hips and grunted. This was not a sexually inappropriate act by him, it's just what he did, and it was quite funny.

He was always cold and wanted blankets. If I or anybody touched him in the process of giving him a blanket or helping him in any way (or while putting my fingers on his burr holes), his response was, "get your goddamn cold hand off of me!!" :lol:

He was on dialysis, but he still produced a small amount of urine. He was unable to pee, so about every third day he would need to be catherized. We would put him in bed (Get your goddamn cold hands off of me!") and prepare to catherize him. Grunting, gyrating those hips, cursing under his breath, bowling ball head, here came the catheter. "Goddamn! Whatcha doin? Are ya stickin a needle in my pecker?? Mother fucker!!". Grunting, gyrating, "are ya almost done?? Sonofabitch that hurts!! Get it out!! Pull it out!!" Grunting, gyrating, bowling ball head. "I'll pay ya! Pull out that needle!! It hurts like a mother fucker!!" Finally, his bladder was drained, the bed was cleaned up where he had spilled the urine by gyrating, and I covered him up. I thanked him, and he said I was welcome. He needed more cover, but as I was pulling it up, I touched his neck. Grunting, gyrating, bowling ball head, "get your goddamn cold hands off of me!!" :mj07:

 

[JOSHNAUDI]

Thanks for sharing 6'5''

:mj07::142smilie:0074

 

[The Joker]

These are great, really. :00hour :142smilie