Patient funnies

[SixFive]

Patient is in with AMS (altered mental status). She is completely alert and oriented on day shift. After I gave her bedtime medications, she starts going apeshit. Yelling at the top of her lungs she has been kidnapped, climbing out of bed when she has had surgery and is non-weight bearing, cursing, and general disturbing every patient on my unit plus the ajoining 2 units.

I called the md and got her a shot ordered for her psychotic behavior. She chilled a little, so I held off on giving it.

Her doctor comes in, and he's a soft spoken little old Asian doctor. When he walked in the room, she said, "where the fuck have you been??? I'm gonna cut your fuckin dick off!!" Without missing a beat, the md said, "it's good to see you are feeling better." :mj07:

A little later, she is starting up with her bs and yelling. Time for her shot. I take it in there and ask her where she wants it. She said she doesn't want a fucking shot and why am I going to give it. I said, "when you tell your doctor you are going to cut his dick off, you get a shot". She said, "aww, shit! It's so small you probably couldn't find it to cut it off anyway!" :mj07: :mj07: I then gave her the shot literally nearly crying I was laughing so hard.

What a mean old bitch!

 

[The Joker]

Patient is in with AMS (altered mental status). She is completely alert and oriented on day shift. After I gave her bedtime medications, she starts going apeshit. Yelling at the top of her lungs she has been kidnapped, climbing out of bed when she has had surgery and is non-weight bearing, cursing, and general disturbing every patient on my unit plus the ajoining 2 units.

I called the md and got her a shot ordered for her psychotic behavior. She chilled a little, so I held off on giving it.

Her doctor comes in, and he's a soft spoken little old Asian doctor. When he walked in the room, she said, "where the fuck have you been??? I'm gonna cut your fuckin dick off!!" Without missing a beat, the md said, "it's good to see you are feeling better." :mj07:

A little later, she is starting up with her bs and yelling. Time for her shot. I take it in there and ask her where she wants it. She said she doesn't want a fucking shot and why am I going to give it. I said, "when you tell your doctor you are going to cut his dick off, you get a shot". She said, "aww, shit! It's so small you probably couldn't find it to cut it off anyway!" :mj07: :mj07: I then gave her the shot literally nearly crying I was laughing so hard.

What a mean old bitch!

That's rich. I bet she smelled good.

 

[hedgehog]

Patient is in with AMS (altered mental status). She is completely alert and oriented on day shift. After I gave her bedtime medications, she starts going apeshit. Yelling at the top of her lungs she has been kidnapped, climbing out of bed when she has had surgery and is non-weight bearing, cursing, and general disturbing every patient on my unit plus the ajoining 2 units.

I called the md and got her a shot ordered for her psychotic behavior. She chilled a little, so I held off on giving it.

Her doctor comes in, and he's a soft spoken little old Asian doctor. When he walked in the room, she said, "where the fuck have you been??? I'm gonna cut your fuckin dick off!!" Without missing a beat, the md said, "it's good to see you are feeling better." :mj07:

A little later, she is starting up with her bs and yelling. Time for her shot. I take it in there and ask her where she wants it. She said she doesn't want a fucking shot and why am I going to give it. I said, "when you tell your doctor you are going to cut his dick off, you get a shot". She said, "aww, shit! It's so small you probably couldn't find it to cut it off anyway!" :mj07: :mj07: I then gave her the shot literally nearly crying I was laughing so hard.

What a mean old bitch!

She sounds like my ex wife :facepalm:

Thanks for sharing

 

[SixFive]

A 42 year old male Patient came in through the ER. Chest pain, mental status changes, and respiratory distress. His condition worsens, a heart attack is diagnosed, and he has to be placed on mechanical ventilation. A tox screen not surprisingly is positive for multiple substances including bath salts.

He is stabilized as much as possible and taken to the Intensive Care Unit. He continues to decline, and an EEG shows severe brain impairment. His heart goes in several arrythmias which are temporarily corrected with medications, but his prognosis is poor.

The physician goes into the room to speak to his girlfriend. The girlfriend apologizes after the conversation begins and says, "sorry doctor, I'm having trouble understanding everything bc I'm really fucked up". The girlfriend is rocking back and forth like a Muslim getting ready to meet his 70 virgins. The doctor is trying to have a serious talk with her bc this guys is getting ready to die, and we can either let him go peacefully, or we can try to resuscitate him brutally over and over.

The gf says, "why is he so sick? I took the same things he did". :facepalm:

The MD tries to explain about bath salts and how using them is so harmful and in this case soon to be fatal. The gf says in a defensive tone, "we didn't do bath salts!! We did Meth!!"

After he passes, the gf wants to hold him and say her goodbyes. She is however scared and asks, "if I touch him, will the death transfer over to me?" :mj07:

So, don't do bath salts.

 

[jr11]

A CNA called me into a room to help her transfer an elderly black gentleman to bed from the potty chair. She had a speech impediment. I stood him up, and she said, "sit back down, Mr. Butts! Yore not feenished." He did, sat for a moment and said he was done. I stood him back up, and exasperatedly she again instructed him to sit back down bc he wasn't finished. He said, "Ma'am, I sure do feel like I'm done?" A third time I stood him up, she went to wipe him, grabbed him by the shoulders, assisted him to sit back down and said, "I donno what wong, but yore not done". By this time I was thinking to myself, :wtf: , so I said I would take a look. I traded spots with her, leaned him forward on the chair and looked. I immediately busted out laughing. I couldn't control it. I composed myself, apologized, told him he was done and clean and put him back in bed. Out in the hallway I talked to the CNA. I was laughing so hard. I said, "He was done the whole time you were making him sit back down. He's just very well endowed, and that's what you were seeing." She didn't know what endowed meant :facepalm: I said, "he has a big penis! You were looking from the back and saw it hanging down and mistook it for a turd." She immediately turned red and said, "Oh my, Tlint!! Bet that shore would hut!" :142smilie

LOL.....I know what it is like to be this well endowed. :facepalm:

 

[IX_Bender]

A 42 year old male Patient came in through the ER. Chest pain, mental status changes, and respiratory distress. His condition worsens, a heart attack is diagnosed, and he has to be placed on mechanical ventilation. A tox screen not surprisingly is positive for multiple substances including bath salts.

He is stabilized as much as possible and taken to the Intensive Care Unit. He continues to decline, and an EEG shows severe brain impairment. His heart goes in several arrythmias which are temporarily corrected with medications, but his prognosis is poor.

The physician goes into the room to speak to his girlfriend. The girlfriend apologizes after the conversation begins and says, "sorry doctor, I'm having trouble understanding everything bc I'm really fucked up". The girlfriend is rocking back and forth like a Muslim getting ready to meet his 70 virgins. The doctor is trying to have a serious talk with her bc this guys is getting ready to die, and we can either let him go peacefully, or we can try to resuscitate him brutally over and over.

The gf says, "why is he so sick? I took the same things he did". :facepalm:

The MD tries to explain about bath salts and how using them is so harmful and in this case soon to be fatal. The gf says in a defensive tone, "we didn't do bath salts!! We did Meth!!"

After he passes, the gf wants to hold him and say her goodbyes. She is however scared and asks, "if I touch him, will the death transfer over to me?" :mj07:

So, don't do bath salts.

 

[hedgehog]

A 42 year old male Patient came in through the ER. Chest pain, mental status changes, and respiratory distress. His condition worsens, a heart attack is diagnosed, and he has to be placed on mechanical ventilation. A tox screen not surprisingly is positive for multiple substances including bath salts.

He is stabilized as much as possible and taken to the Intensive Care Unit. He continues to decline, and an EEG shows severe brain impairment. His heart goes in several arrythmias which are temporarily corrected with medications, but his prognosis is poor.

The physician goes into the room to speak to his girlfriend. The girlfriend apologizes after the conversation begins and says, "sorry doctor, I'm having trouble understanding everything bc I'm really fucked up". The girlfriend is rocking back and forth like a Muslim getting ready to meet his 70 virgins. The doctor is trying to have a serious talk with her bc this guys is getting ready to die, and we can either let him go peacefully, or we can try to resuscitate him brutally over and over.

The gf says, "why is he so sick? I took the same things he did". :facepalm:

The MD tries to explain about bath salts and how using them is so harmful and in this case soon to be fatal. The gf says in a defensive tone, "we didn't do bath salts!! We did Meth!!"

After he passes, the gf wants to hold him and say her goodbyes. She is however scared and asks, "if I touch him, will the death transfer over to me?" :mj07:

So, don't do bath salts.

Don't do METH :scared

 

[SixFive]

Don't do METH :scared

She was lying; they did do bath salts (+ tox screen).

Bender, u know I was the Gauntlet champ, right?

 

[hedgehog]

She was lying; they did do bath salts (+ tox screen).

Bender, u know I was the Gauntlet champ, right?

Bath Salts, wtf :facepalm:

 

[JOSHNAUDI]

The doctor is trying to have a serious talk with her bc this guys life force is running out

:0008:0008:0008

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[WhatsHisNuts]

She called me a bald retard.

:0003

 

[JOSHNAUDI]

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[SixFive]

At my old job, we had this old man as a patient. He had pneumonia, had been treated for a week at the hospital, and he came to us for rehab. He had some confusion, but nothing substantial. As soon as he was carted through the door, he was batshit crazy.

His family was called, and although nice, they were quite needy and ignorant. Ignorant isn't always a bad thing; they were educated, but they couldn't understand why dad was so mean and crazy now.

His sons took turns staying with him. One was chill and one was a hothead. Not a hothead towards the staff but towards his father when he was acting a fool (cursing, hitting staff, biting, etc.). This old bastard was not restrained, because we didn't do that there. He was totally out of control and a huge drain on our resources, but hell, he had Medicare and the adminstrators didn't care, so I had to suffer through and make the best of it.

Anyway, old man is out of control even worse, and hothead son slaps the fuck out of him when I'm in the room. :facepalm: Now, he really deserved it had he been in his right mind, but I of course can't let a patient get hit by his son. I told him he had to leave and cool off, so he called his brother who was an hour away. That left me to have to fuck with this old bastard :facepalm:

He was trying to fight, and he got out of bed. I couldn't just lay on him, so I let him walk and followed. I tried to hold onto him at first, but he was beating the shit out of me, so I started following from a distance. He started walking down the hallway, and he fell out right in the hallway. He was cursing and yelling. I let him stay there for a minute, and he asked for help. I thought he might be calming down, so I got closer to him, and I was going to help him stand up.

As I kneeled down beside him, he looked at me, winked, then kicked me flush in the balls! It hurt so bad I dry heaved in the hallway on the floor curled up in a little (well big) ball. Some of my staff rushed to my aid, and the first thing I could say was, "Call the police! I'm not dealing with this fucker one second longer!" This is probably in the top 5 of how mad I have ever been in my life, and it was totally not like me to curse in a public work area.

Anyway, the old man got himself up, and he staggered to the dining room and then out the door. I followed him from a distance, and he fell hard right on the patio. He got up again and staggered into the lawn where he tripped over a tree root. He fell harder than shit again, but at that point, I really didn't care. The police arrived. I gave them the skinny, and they were of course assholes as usual because the old man wanted them there, and he was nice to them.

After a few minutes though, he started getting agitated, and he fought them too. EMS came in, and they all subdued him, and carted him off to the hospital.

I called my administrator and told him what happened. I also told him it was a shame it took this to get this guy out of the hospital when I had been begging for it for days. I said to him, "Don't you ever put me in that position again." He gave me lip service then, but of course, I was put in similar and worse positions in the future until I finally got out of there. :sadwave:

 

[SixFive]

I had an 18 year old young man. He had been shot in the head, and after several surgeries and a month in the ICU, he was off the ventilator, stable, and ready for rehab. At that time, we used a product called a Vail Bed. It was more or less and enclosed giant playpen that encased the bed.

This kid was nice, but he couldn't talk. He had a huge caved in head, so he was supposed to wear a helmet (similar to fatdaddycool's) to protect his brain where he was missing a large piece of skull. He was also of course confused.

On rounds one night, the nurse walked in the room then right back out to find me. She couldn't even talk or tell me what was wrong, but she just said I needed to come to the room. :sadwave:

This kid was standing up in the middle of his bed with his head poking up in the netting of the vail bed. He was completely naked, and he was covered in shit from head to toe. There was shit everywhere :facepalm:

The nurse said to me, "Clint, what do I do!??" I said to her, "start getting some wash rags." :mj07:

Poor kid. The great thing about head injuries if anything about them is great is that the sufferer doesn't remember what happened, so to this day, this kid has no recollection of this.

We got him out of the bed, walked him to the shower and started cleaning. I have never seen a bigger mess in my life. The bed was totally covered in shit too, and it was all in that netting of the bed. I just totally took it out of the room and put it outside because I couldn't do anything with it. :sadwave:

I can still think back and see him standing there in the bed with his poking through the netting and covered head to toe in crap. The good thing is though that this kid got better, went to college, and is leading a normal life. Had he not been shot, he would have probably been dead or in jail now.

 

[JOSHNAUDI]

As I kneeled down beside him, he looked at me, winked, then kicked me flush in the balls!

:mj07::mj07::mj07:

 

[SixFive]

So, last week, I walked in a patient's room, and I'm startled by a dog's bark. I'm like :wtf: and I then realize there is a dog in bed with the patient. It turns out that this is a service animal. I was "introduced" to the dog, but I wasn't allowed to pet it. It was some kind of Shepherd breed, and it had the service animal vest ("do not pet me").

Anyway, I'm talking to the patient about her dog and I asked if it opened doors. The dog gets off the bed and starts walking around, and the patient tells me no that it just barks if she needs help. I'm talking to her some more, and I hear a "slurp, slurp, slurp". The dog then walks out of the bathroom and hops back on the bed. I'm thinking :facepalm:

I talked to the patient a few more minutes then went to wash my hands in the bathroom. I looked at the toilet and noticed the splashes, and then I realized that not only was the dog drinking out of the toilet, it had drank out of the pee hat that was in the toilet :mj07: :facepalm:

 

[SixFive]

It's early in the morning last week on Friday the 13th. I'm working all over the hospital and get a call to come help on a floor. There is a new admission, and she's blitzed. It turns out that she had fallen and broken her hip. That seems ordinary, but the circumstances had me :mj07:

She was at the Ramada (local shitty hotel that has a shitstain redneck bar), and she was lit. She was dancing with her walker on the dance floor. She fell multiple times before she finally broke her hip. She was also wearing depends :mj07: Recap: 60 years old and looked like she was 90, drinking, dancing with her walker, multiple falls, and wearing depends.

I went in her room, and she was still feeling good. I asked her about her night, and she just smiled. I asked her if she had been twerking, and she said, "Hell yeah!! I was gettin' jiggy with it!" :mj07:

Her walker had a pouch on it, so the staff was looking through it to catalog her personal belongings since she was too far gone to know or care. The pouch contained an emesis basin and a sticker that read, "Caution!! Oxygen in use." :mj07: Apparently she had just been discharged from the hospital before she broke her hip. :mj07: :facepalm:

PS Medicaid recipient of course :facepalm: your tax dollars hard at work.

 

[Hashish]

I realize you have a hard job, and sharing the foibles of your patients is good therapy. I enjoy these stories. However, I don't think laughing at an alcoholic is all that funny. :sadwave:

 

[SixFive]

I realize you have a hard job, and sharing the foibles of your patients is good therapy. I enjoy these stories. However, I don't think laughing at an alcoholic is all that funny. :sadwave:

Thanks for that take on it. I might be getting a little callous towards certain types of patients who continually harm themselves with their own behavior and therefore cause medical problems and a huge drain on the system. I also didn't say she was an alcoholic.

 

[kneifl]

Keep them coming Clint, these are pure gold Always make laugh a few times during the day when I see the new ones.

kneifl