Put all Jokes Here

[hedgehog]

opcorn2

A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a Dachshund.

The man asks what the items are for. He's told, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him, and the Dachshund will go straight for his balls." The man asks, "But what's the shotgun for?"

The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla and fall out of the tree, you shoot the Dachshund."

 

[BigFatLooza]

opcorn2

A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a Dachshund.

The man asks what the items are for. He's told, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him, and the Dachshund will go straight for his balls." The man asks, "But what's the shotgun for?"

The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla and fall out of the tree, you shoot the Dachshund."

 

[Trampled Underfoot]

opcorn2

A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a Dachshund.

The man asks what the items are for. He's told, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him, and the Dachshund will go straight for his balls." The man asks, "But what's the shotgun for?"

The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla and fall out of the tree, you shoot the Dachshund."

There is no way that you have two girlfriends.

 

[hedgehog]

nobody liked my joke :shrug: I thought it was funny, tough crowd

 

[taylormade9998]

A priest a minister and a rabbi go in to the woods for a camping trip. They are talking about which religion is better and they agree the only way to decide is for each to go deeper in to the woods and try to convert the first animal they come across to their religion. The priest goes first and he is back in 10 minutes. when asked what happened he responds I came across a bear and at first he was hesitant but after 5 minutes I had him praying with me. Next the minister goes in and returns in 20 minutes. When asked what happened he gave a similar story of meeting a bear and after talking to him for `15 minutes he had him converted. Now it was the rabbis turn. So he heads in to the woods and 5 minutes later he comes out all tore up clothes ripped and bloodied. The minister and Priest ask him what happened and he says... I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.

 

[hedgehog]

There is no way that you have two girlfriends.

Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?

A: A $100 bill. :mj07:

 

[no pepper]

Two hobos walking down the train tracks out in the middle of nowhere. First hobo says, "Hey Earl, this is my lucky spot. Last week it was 'round here I found that twenty dollar bill!"

Second hobo says, "That's nothing. I was 'round here bout a month ago and found a woman tied to the tracks! I untied her, carried her into the woods, and made sweet love all night long."

"Aww. yer so lucky! You probably got a BJ too!"

"Nope, never could find her head."

 

[Skulnik]

Two hobos walking down the train tracks out in the middle of nowhere. First hobo says, "Hey Earl, this is my lucky spot. Last week it was 'round here I found that twenty dollar bill!"

Second hobo says, "That's nothing. I was 'round here bout a month ago and found a woman tied to the tracks! I untied her, carried her into the woods, and made sweet love all night long."

"Aww. yer so lucky! You probably got a BJ too!"

"Nope, never could find her head."

:142smilie

 

[Hashish]

Roly Poly Tipping the scales: Roly Poly is too fat to curl into a ball (Picture: SWNS)

A hungry hedgehog has been put on a diet after becoming so fat he was unable to roll into a ball.

The greedy mammal, nicknamed Roly Poly, piled on the pounds after he was found dangerously underweight in a garage by a couple last October.

Realising he was too skinny to survive hibernation they decided to fatten up, but he gorged on cat food and ballooned to 2kg, well above the average 600g.

The worried couple took him to the Secret World Wildlife Rescue Centre, near Highbridge, Somerset, where he was placed on a strict diet.

Roly Poly is now slowly losing weight on 150g of cat food and biscuits per day.

'Overfeeding hedgehogs is an easy thing to do, as they're very greedy and love to scoff,' said staff member Debbie O?Keefe.

Secret World founder Pauline Kidner added: 'We've had to house him in an otter box because a normal hedgehog one is far too small.

'His intake of cat food and cat biscuits has been reduced to 150g per day so he's gradually losing weight.'

Read more: http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/900598...ing-too-fat-to-roll-into-a-ball#ixzz29lbjGwXD

 

[PBRmeASAP]

One of my fave jokes.

From Curb Your Enthusiasm, told by Marty Funkhouser (Bob Einstein)

A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening.

So she goes to her mother, she says what am I going to do I?m so big down there when I marry Harry he?s going to divorce me.

Her mother says don?t worry sweetheart it runs in the family, do what I did when I married your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there he?ll never know the difference.

So she does.

They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o?clock, he?s gone but there?s a note on her pillow.
It says -:
?My darling Harriet.
To think that I waited a year to consummate our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I?m surprised it didn?t wake you up.
The only reason I?m not here now darling is that I?m at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we?ll have dogs and children.

When the 5 o?clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms.

Your loving husband, Harry.

PS. Your cunt is in the sink."

 

[Dead Money]

Golf Joke

Golf Joke

Four guys have been going on the same golf trip for many years. This year, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Bitterly disappointed he phones and tells the others that he can't go.

Two days later, the other guys get to the golf course only to find Ron sitting there with a coffee, clubs at the ready. "Dang Ron, how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, yesterday evening, after my wife finished reading "Fifty Shades Of Gray," she dragged me into our bedroom, on the bed she had handcuffs and ropes!
She told me to tie and handcuff her to the bed, so I did.
Then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, here I am!



Another...Why is it called GOLF? Fu*k! was already taken....

 

[hedgehog]

Four guys have been going on the same golf trip for many years. This year, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Bitterly disappointed he phones and tells the others that he can't go.

Two days later, the other guys get to the golf course only to find Ron sitting there with a coffee, clubs at the ready. "Dang Ron, how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, yesterday evening, after my wife finished reading "Fifty Shades Of Gray," she dragged me into our bedroom, on the bed she had handcuffs and ropes!
She told me to tie and handcuff her to the bed, so I did.
Then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, here I am!

:mj07: :mj07:

 

[Skulnik]

Four guys have been going on the same golf trip for many years. This year, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Bitterly disappointed he phones and tells the others that he can't go.

Two days later, the other guys get to the golf course only to find Ron sitting there with a coffee, clubs at the ready. "Dang Ron, how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, yesterday evening, after my wife finished reading "Fifty Shades Of Gray," she dragged me into our bedroom, on the bed she had handcuffs and ropes!
She told me to tie and handcuff her to the bed, so I did.
Then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, here I am!



Another...Why is it called GOLF? Fu*k! was already taken....

 

[Trampled Underfoot]

http://www.madjacksports.com/forum/showthread.php?t=463309

10:26

:nono:

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/rz346ZF0YLM" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

10:34

:facepalm:

10:35

Roll over and wake skul up. I posted this for him.

10:51

Put your dick back in your pants and stop looking up those kind of Videos or the FBI will come a Knockin.

JMHO

11:19

Tell hedgy I said thanks.

This one never gets old. :mj07: :mj07:

 

[Skulnik]

Over the line, sorry

:mj07:

 

[The Boys]

The kid says to the Priest:

?Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.?
The priest asks, ?Is that you, little Joey Pagano??
?Yes, Father, it is.?
?And who was the girl you were with??
?I can?t tell you, Father, I don?t want to ruin her reputation.?
?Well, Joey, I?m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti??
?I cannot say.?
?Was it Teresa Mazzarelli??
?I?ll never tell.?
?Was it Nina Capelli??
?I?m sorry, but I cannot name her.?
?Was it Cathy Piriano??
?My lips are sealed.?
?Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then??
?Please, Father, I cannot tell you.?
The priest sighs in frustration. ?You?re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you?ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.?
Joey walks back to his pew, And his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ?What?d you get??
?Four months vacation and five good leads.?

 

[yyz]

 

[The Boys]

What is this post suppose to mean? I have so many followers in my flock now, just love your signature.

 

[yyz]

What is this post suppose to mean? I have so many followers in my flock now, just love your signature.

Jim Jones had followers in his flock, too.

 

[skodaa]

Family Fued survey says.......

Family Fued survey says.......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=P9RJbLV98fI&feature=endscreen