>>>Words to live by....
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
3. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother,
father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without
recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to
say bulls*t! (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggerationrate rises to 400%)
6. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off-limitsforever.
7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy
who's running late is five minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
8. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's
refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
9. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
10. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your
buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get
carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
11. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his
permission and he in return is required to grant it.
12. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
13. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is
beer.
14. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
15. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
16. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny
friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about why he's joining the priesthood.
17. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and, it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
18. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
19. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
20. If a buddy is outnumbered, out-manned, or too drunk to fight,
you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin," then you may sit back and enjoy.
21. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while
weightlifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
22. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be
referring to his beer.
23. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except
when she's withholding sex pending your response.
24. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal
footing. ie: both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
25. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you
may not, unless you are gay.
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
3. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother,
father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without
recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to
say bulls*t! (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggerationrate rises to 400%)
6. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off-limitsforever.
7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy
who's running late is five minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
8. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's
refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
9. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
10. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your
buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get
carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
11. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his
permission and he in return is required to grant it.
12. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
13. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is
beer.
14. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
15. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
16. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny
friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about why he's joining the priesthood.
17. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and, it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
18. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
19. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
20. If a buddy is outnumbered, out-manned, or too drunk to fight,
you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin," then you may sit back and enjoy.
21. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while
weightlifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
22. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be
referring to his beer.
23. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except
when she's withholding sex pending your response.
24. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal
footing. ie: both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
25. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you
may not, unless you are gay.
