Start with The Pyramid. He could certainly have The Pyramid. Hire a redecorator - someone familiar with the early Superman period - and turn it into Chez Shaq.
He could be police chief. Shaq has always said he's going to be a cop when he's done. Why wait? You've heard of player/coach? He can be player/constable.
Give him a barbecue joint. Or his own trolley line. Or Silky's goats. From one Irishman to another.
Shaquille O'Neal is available?
I'm bidding.
What's it going to take, Big Fella? What's it going to take, Lakers?
The pandas are untouchable.
Same with the Mississippi.
But you can have Pau and J-Will and Bonzi and Lorenzen and . . .
What's that?
You want what?
Hmmmm. Let me think.
OK, you can have Graceland.
The best basketball player on any planet has demanded a trade to a new one. For those of you who've been wondering about this city's next stunning development, it's wearing size 22EEE sneakers.
First, AutoZone Park. Then John Calipari. Next, the Grizzlies and the pandas and Jerry West and Mike Tyson and Hubie Brown and the bowl game and the playoffs.
And now Shaq Daddy.
In Beale Street Blue.
Yes, he absolutely can have Beale Street.
The man is the best chance this franchise has of getting to the NBA Finals while Jerry and Hubie are doing the drafting and coaching.
Live for tomorrow?
Ha!
Carpe diem.
Which, loosely translated, means: "Go get the Big Aristotle."
Ahhhh, but you're skeptical. You have questions about the transaction. Since West has mysteriously disappeared - here's hoping someone didn't misunderstand the phrase "get rid of that old Logo" - we're here to answer them.
Wouldn't trading for Shaq gut the team?
Nope. Go ahead, take four Grizzlies off the roster. Any four. You can still put a fine team around O'Neal.
Subtract Gasol, Wright, Wells and Earl Watson. That would leave Shaq, Stromile Swift, James Posey, Mike Miller and Jason Williams. With Shane Battier and Bo Outlaw in reserve.
Or make it Gasol, Wright, Posey and Miller. That would still leave Shaq, Swift, Battier, Wells and J-Will. With Watson and Outlaw in reserve.
Mix and match. It works every time. And that's before West starts acquiring new pieces.
But isn't trading all those guys for a 32-year-old center shortsighted?
Was it shortsighted when the Lakers sent three players to Philadelphia for a 32-year-old Wilt Chamberlain? The Lakers went to the Finals three straight years and won a title. Isn't that the point? To win a title?
Besides, the way the NBA is set up today, it's all about cap room. Say O'Neal plays five more years, then retires. He'll leave a hole in the payroll to match the hole in the lineup. The Grizzlies could go sign another unhappy Laker. Or, heck, Kobe could be free by then.
Why would the Grizzlies want a fat guy?
The fat guy has been the best player in the league for the past decade. Imagine what he'll accomplish if he's motivated. And he will be motivated. Did you catch what he said to ESPN's Tom Friend the other day?
"If we split up and I don't win, then everybody'll say, 'Well if Shaq had Kobe, he would've won.' And if he don't win, it'll be, 'Well, if Kobe had Shaq, he could've won.' That's what everybody will be saying next year. . . .
"Well, I like my chances better."
C'mon, do the Grizzlies really have a shot?
Why not? Who's in a position to offer something better?
Dallas has indicated that Dirk Nowitzki is off the table. Indiana won't deal Jermaine O'Neal. Tracy McGrady seems to be headed to Houston. If all that's true, the Grizzlies may be competing with the Nets (Kenyon Martin), the Suns (Amare Stoudemire) and the Kings (Shaq couldn't go to the hated Kings, could he?)
The best bet is that O'Neal, Kobe and the Lakers will kiss and make up. That's how it usually works in Tinseltown.
But if not, the Grizzlies have to be ready to get creative.
Throw in one whole government. Because, you know, we've got two of them.
The Hollywood Casino. (Wherever would they put it?)
Any Parkway they'd care to name.
A Baptist church.
Either Perkins or Perkins Extended.
When a guy like this is up for grabs, there's no reason to take chances.
Give him a job for life. Make him head of MLGW!
True, Shaq may not know much about electricity.
But when has that ever stopped us?
Contact columnist Geoff Calkins at 529-2364