----An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy Boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me To Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome- plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
-----A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man "What are you looking at you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."
----A synagogue honours its Rabbi for a quarter-century of service by sending him to Hawaii on a well-deserved vacation, all expenses paid.The President of the synagogue decides that in addition to the trip, the Rabbi should have fun and he makes arrangements to have a call-girl available for the Rabbi at all times.
When the Rabbi walks into his hotel room, there is this nude young girl lying on the bed and she informs the Rabbi that she is his at any time during his vacation. The Rabbi, stunned and extremely embarrassed, demands to know who arranged this little situation, and of course, the girl is compelled to tell him.
The Rabbi immediately picks up the phone, calls the synagogue, and gets through to the President of the congregation. "Your respect, where is it?" he yells. "How you could do something like this?"
"In high esteem I must be, by each and every member of this congregation. As your Rabbi, I am very, very angry with you!" As he continues to berate the President, the girl rises sheepishly from the bed, not wanting to further embarrass the Rabbi. As she stands, the Rabbi says "Where are you going...? I'm not mad at you!"
---A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one hot bitch!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good - the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says "I'll tell you something else, boy, she LOVED it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says, "Grandpa, you're drunk... go home!"
---An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform. The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent me."
-----There's a little 13 year old boy walking down the street one day with some chicken wire in his grasp, an old man on the corner see's this and is quite puzzled. He asks the boy "What are you gonna do with that chicken wire?" To which the boy replies, "I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" When he comes back later, he's holding three chickens in his hands.
The next day, the old man sees the boy with duck tape this time, this again puzzles the man, and he asks the lad, ?What are you going to do with that duck tape?" To which the boy replies, "I'm going to catch me some ducks." Later the boy walks by the man, his arms full of ducks.
Then next day, the man see the boy walking down the street with a flower, the guy asks him, "What kind of flower is that son?" the boy says " This is pussy willow." This time the old man understands and replies, "Wait a second, I'll go get my hat!"
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me To Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome- plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
-----A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man "What are you looking at you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."
----A synagogue honours its Rabbi for a quarter-century of service by sending him to Hawaii on a well-deserved vacation, all expenses paid.The President of the synagogue decides that in addition to the trip, the Rabbi should have fun and he makes arrangements to have a call-girl available for the Rabbi at all times.
When the Rabbi walks into his hotel room, there is this nude young girl lying on the bed and she informs the Rabbi that she is his at any time during his vacation. The Rabbi, stunned and extremely embarrassed, demands to know who arranged this little situation, and of course, the girl is compelled to tell him.
The Rabbi immediately picks up the phone, calls the synagogue, and gets through to the President of the congregation. "Your respect, where is it?" he yells. "How you could do something like this?"
"In high esteem I must be, by each and every member of this congregation. As your Rabbi, I am very, very angry with you!" As he continues to berate the President, the girl rises sheepishly from the bed, not wanting to further embarrass the Rabbi. As she stands, the Rabbi says "Where are you going...? I'm not mad at you!"
---A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one hot bitch!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good - the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says "I'll tell you something else, boy, she LOVED it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says, "Grandpa, you're drunk... go home!"
---An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform. The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent me."
-----There's a little 13 year old boy walking down the street one day with some chicken wire in his grasp, an old man on the corner see's this and is quite puzzled. He asks the boy "What are you gonna do with that chicken wire?" To which the boy replies, "I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" When he comes back later, he's holding three chickens in his hands.
The next day, the old man sees the boy with duck tape this time, this again puzzles the man, and he asks the lad, ?What are you going to do with that duck tape?" To which the boy replies, "I'm going to catch me some ducks." Later the boy walks by the man, his arms full of ducks.
Then next day, the man see the boy walking down the street with a flower, the guy asks him, "What kind of flower is that son?" the boy says " This is pussy willow." This time the old man understands and replies, "Wait a second, I'll go get my hat!"
