Something To Offend Everyone (part1)

[TBONEZ0295]

PART 1

WHAT DO YOU CALL 2 MEXICANS PLAYING BASKETBALL???
JUAN ON JUAN.

WHAT IS A YANKEE??
THE SAME AS A QUICKIE ,BUT A GUY CAN DO IT ALONE.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER??
THE POSITION OF THE DIRTBAG.

WHY IS DIVORCE SO EXPENSIVE???
BECAUSE ITS WORTH IT.

WHAT DO YOU SEE WHEN THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY BENDS OVER???
DOUGHNUTS

WHY IS AIR ALOT LIKE SEX???
BECAUSE ITS NO BIG DEAL UNLESS YOUR NOT GETTING ANY.

I'LL BE BACK WITH PART 2

DON'T WORRY BLUEMOUND I'LL HAVE MORE FOR YOU TO TAKE TOTHE WATER COOLER

 

[TBONEZ0295]

(PART 2)

WHAT DO YOU CALL A SMART BLONDE???
A GOLDEN RETREIVER.

WHAT DO ATTORNEYS USE FOR BIRTH CONTROL???
THIER PERSONALITIES.

WHATS THE FASTEST WAY TO A MANS HEART???
THROUGH HIS CHEST WITH A SHARP KNIFE

WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NEW HUSBAND AND A NEW DOG???
AFTER A YEAR THE DOG IS STILL EXCITED TO SEE YOU.

WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PORCUPINE AND A BMW???
A PORCUPINE HAS THE PRICKS ON THE OUTSIDE.

WHY DOES MIKE TYSON CRY DURING SEX???
MACE WILL DO THAT TO YOU.

WHY DO DRIVERS ED CLASSES IN RED NECK SCHOOLS USE THE CAR ONLY ON MON. WED. AND FRI.????
BECAUSE ON TUES.AND THURS. THE SEX ED CLASS USES IT.

 

[Chanman]

If I may add a few more...

If I may add a few more...

Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Q: What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested? A: An accomplice.

Q: What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested? A: A lawyer.

Q: How do deaf people have phone sex? A: By fax.

What do you see when the Pillsbury dough boy bends over? Doughnuts!

If a bi-sexual were to turn up missing..... Would they put his picture on a carton of Half & Half?

How do you double the value of a Yugo? -- You fill it with gas.

Have you heard George Michael's new song? -- It's called Zip Me Up Before You Go Go

I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double. -- The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.

Q. How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None of your F*cking business!

A beautiful Jewish girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married." Her mother says, "Oy, that's great." She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab." Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great." She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives." Six months later, she walks into her mothers beautiful new house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass. Day and night, that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass. When I got married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now, it's the size of a silver dollar"... Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"

What's the San Francisco definition of a fart? A Greek Love Call.

 

[RAZ]

Q: how long does it take for a woman to reach orgasm?

A: who cares


Q: difference between a queer and a freezer?

A: a freezer doesn't fart when you pull your meat out


An Italian and a Jew are walking down the street, they see a beautiful woman jogging up to them, face flush, breasts heaving, nipples protruding.....
The Italian says"I would love to fuk her!!!!" to which the Jew says
"Fuk her out of what??"

italian and irishman see a dog licking himself on the sidewalk, the italian says, "i wish i could do that !!"
the irishman says,"you probably could if you pat him first!!

the union is forced to higher a woman truck driver. On her fist day they bust her chops, at the end of the day the steward says,"You're supposed to be a driver, get in that truck and back it up 10 feet and dump the load, we don't want anyone saying you didn't get to drive!" all the guys got quite a laugh , "No Problem" she says. she get's in the truck, backs up 3 feet and dumps the load, right in front of the stewards new caddy, he comes out screaming, " You stupid fkn broad, you don't know how far ten fkn feet is?" she looks at em and holds her finger's 3 inches apart and says"what are you yelling for?? guys like you have been telling me that's a foot my whole life!!"

 

[TBONEZ0295]

(PART 3)

WHERE DOES AN IRISH FAMILY GO ON VACATION???
A DIFFERENT BAR.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE CHINESE COUPLE THAT HAD A RETARTED BABY????
THEY NAMED HIM "SUM TING WONG"

WHAT WOULD YOU CALL IT WHEN AN ITALIAN HAS ONE ARM SHORTER THAN THE OTHER????
A SPEECH IMPEDIMENT.

HOW DO YOU GET A SWEET LITTLE 80-YEAR OLD LADY TO SAY THE F WORD??
GET ANOTHER SWEET OLD LADY TO YELL B-I-N-G-O....

WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE AND A SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE???

A NOTHERN FAIRYTALE BEGINS WITH "ONCE UPON A TIME" AND A SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE BEGINS WITH "YA'LL AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS SHIT"

WHY IS THERE NO DISNEYLAND IN CHINA????
NO ONE'S TALL ENOUGH TO GO ON THE GOOD RIDES...


THANKS FOR YOUR ADDITIONS RAZ,AND CHANMAN I DON'T KNOW IF ITS JUST ME??? BUT I THINK SOME OF THESE ARE FUNNY AS HELL..............

 

[taoist]

WHAT DO ATTORNEYS USE FOR BIRTH CONTROL???
THIER PERSONALITIES.

...hey now, just wait a damn minute!?!?! I get hit on the lawyer jokes and the Irish jokes.... LOL


...all in good fun, I suppose. Okay, here's one...then I'm back to the books....


A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club.

One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"



:weed:

 

[RAZ]

Jake and Harry are at the club about to tee off when the starter stops them, " our first woman member is here, I am gonna let her tee off ahead of you guys, there's no problem is there?"

Jake and Harry were a littlle flustered to say the least, but they agreed, " No Problem" they said.
The woman walks up, " Hi! I am Karen, I have been taking a quite a few lessons lately", sher tees it up swings and drives the ball abouy 10 feet, walks up to again hits it another 10 ft.
Embarassed she says, "So much for the FUKING lessons!!"

Harry says loudly, "That's the problem, you should have been taking GOLF lessons!"

little lame, just heard it figured I'd pass it on. I agree some funny stuff.

 

[Chanman]

Female and Male Dictionary

Wants & needs
Her: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological
longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
Him: Food, sex and beer.

Thingy
Her: Any part under a car's hood.
Him: The strap-fastener on a woman's bra.

Lesbian
Her: A woman who makes love to other women.
Him: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on.

Glass ceiling
Her: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
Him: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

Vulnerable
Her: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Him: Playing ball without a cup.

Communication
Her: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Him: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

Butt
Her: The body part that every item of clothing manufacturer makes "look bigger."
Him: The organ of mooning.

Commitment
Her: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Him: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

Entertainment
Her: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Him: Anything with one ball, two goals, or three stooges.

Flatulence
Her: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Him: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

Making love
Her: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Him: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

Remote control
Her: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Him: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.

Taste
Her: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
Him: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

Basic Bar Terminology
1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU."
(Happy hour is about to end... drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)

3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT GIRL FRIEND OF YOURS?"
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to have sex with your girl friend.)

4. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL."(FEMALE)
(I'm easy.)

5. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (MALE)
(I'm gay.)

6. "I'LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN." (FEMALE)
(I'm really easy.)

7. "I'LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN." (MALE)
(I'm really gay.)

8. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE)
(You're paying more attention to your friends than to me.)

9. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (MALE)
(I'm horny.)

10. "WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

11. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

12. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.)

13. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of my way.)

14. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You're certainly not all that, Miss Thing, coming in here dressed like a hoochie... And get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you like the slut you are.)

15. "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?"
(What's cheap?)

16. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

17. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, can you imagine what I'll do to you in bed?)

18. "THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)

19. "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE)
(I am really annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

20. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE)
(I'm 17.)

21. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE)
(I don't have a license since I got pulled over by the cops for being stoned after my last visit here.)