Southern Women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl
Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
" Yes, sir."
" Why, no, Billy!"
Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions:
"Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart.."
"Drop by when you can."
" How's your Momma?"
"Love your hair."
Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity
Southern women know their three R's:
Rich
Richer
Richest
Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The beach
The beach
Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Summer tans
Wide brimmed hats
Strapless sun dresses
Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah
Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football
Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
GRITS
Country ham
Mouth watering homemade biscuits
Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Charleston
Savannah
New Orleans
Birmingham
Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler, of course
Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon
Southern girls know the three deadly sins:
Bad hair
Bad manners
Bad blind dates
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are forevah!
Now Shugah, send this to some girls who were raised in the South or wish they had been.
If you're a male, you hug that Southern woman of yours and say "I'm a lucky man!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first one says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed it down to two names. It's either Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
He got the job!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of that I had to kill today
because they got on my nerves.
Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
as they might be connected to feet that I have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me always to give 100% at work....
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Friday;
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Forty things never uttered by a true southerner:
40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract fr! om the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green bean! s too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on
the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished
it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop
your big fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run
around like your damn slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean
and wash and iron all day long? Just who the hell do you think you are?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl
Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
" Yes, sir."
" Why, no, Billy!"
Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions:
"Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart.."
"Drop by when you can."
" How's your Momma?"
"Love your hair."
Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity
Southern women know their three R's:
Rich
Richer
Richest
Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The beach
The beach
Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Summer tans
Wide brimmed hats
Strapless sun dresses
Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah
Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football
Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
GRITS
Country ham
Mouth watering homemade biscuits
Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Charleston
Savannah
New Orleans
Birmingham
Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler, of course
Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon
Southern girls know the three deadly sins:
Bad hair
Bad manners
Bad blind dates
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are forevah!
Now Shugah, send this to some girls who were raised in the South or wish they had been.
If you're a male, you hug that Southern woman of yours and say "I'm a lucky man!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first one says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed it down to two names. It's either Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
He got the job!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of that I had to kill today
because they got on my nerves.
Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
as they might be connected to feet that I have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me always to give 100% at work....
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Friday;
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Forty things never uttered by a true southerner:
40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract fr! om the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green bean! s too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on
the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished
it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop
your big fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run
around like your damn slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean
and wash and iron all day long? Just who the hell do you think you are?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
