On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
I have two very rare photographs.
One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I can't stop thinking like this.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
I have two very rare photographs.
One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I can't stop thinking like this.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
