The Doctor is in -- Monk's advice column

[BahamaMama]

Re: Dear Dr Monk

Re: Dear Dr Monk

The last time I went down on my girlfriend, I encountered enough "cheese" to think I was eating a smegmomlette. How do I tactfully tell her that if I want cheese with my fish sandwich that I can just go to McDonalds?

ewwwwwwww....LOL

can i take this one for ya, monk?

next valentines day, don't give her candy, buy her some masengil

 

[Felonious Monk]

Ah Koty's Dad, great issue.

There's actually a few ways to handle the situation:

Next time your "down south mowing the lawn", you could start hacking like a cat coughing up a hairball.

Or tell her you're not eating until the table is set.

I think a tasteful way to handle it is to give her say a box of chocolates, a nighty from Victoria's Secret and a box of Summer's Eve....

Or just be bold and leave an empty bucket and a douche kit on her pillow with a note saying, "you figure it out."

Good luck cheese lips!

Anymore?

 

[BahamaMama]

ARRRGGGHHHHHH.....my relationship right now is with my computer, and it is WORSE than a relationship with any man.....LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

is the doctor computer literate, and able to give some one on one advice and attention on AOL IM or MSN Messenger??

and if the Dr. isn't, is anyone else??

my e-mail addy is in my profile, can exchange screen names that way.....and what i need help with is installing and using a CD re-writer, before i break down and cry the atlantic ocean!!

GT, you out there darlin'? you must be an expert on these damn things considering all the wonderful CD's you made us!!

 

[Felonious Monk]

Yes, the Doctor is well-rounded.

1st, what's the problem with your IM service?

2nd, if you're going to be installing hardware on your pc such as a CD-RW, you need to know how to take apart your pc to get to the inside...tell me what the brand name is first of your pc. This will more than likely have to be done thru e-mail or phone.

 

[BahamaMama]

UGH, UGH, and triple UGH!!!!!! i'm gonna have to get INSIDE of it???????? understood from the equally illiterate people as me from best buy that it was just a *plug and go* ....... and DANG, it isn't MY job to get inside, it's the guys

i have a sony vaio laptop, and the thing i bought is a BUSLink CD-RW Drive (says i can copy, record, and back up all externally)

have dual USB ports in the back of the laptop, if that info helps you........ if not.....damnit, WRITE ME AN E-MAIL, and i'll send ya more info .......... give you a phone number, although if you wouldn't mind providing one via mail, i could call you for free with the cel. Either way would work for me

 

[Felonious Monk]

Mama,

You're in luck. I didn't know you were dealing with a laptop. I actually have alot of experience in disassembling laptops and pc's but in your case, you only have to hot swap the drives.

Before you boot-up take out your CD or floppy drive and put in the CD-RW drive. Plug and Play means you won't have to configure the hardware. The only thing you'll need to do is install the software that is provided.

The instructions shouldn't be too hard to follow. You might have to load the software first, so make sure you read it before you start!

If you're going to make music CD's, I can help you with that as well. I'll shoot you an e-mail tomorrow and you can get started right away. DON'T WORRY!

Does anyone else have a question for the Doc?

 

[BahamaMama]

Mama,

You're in luck. I didn't know you were dealing with a laptop. I actually have alot of experience in disassembling laptops and pc's but in your case, you only have to hot swap the drives.

Before you boot-up take out your CD or floppy drive and put in the CD-RW drive. Plug and Play means you won't have to configure the hardware. The only thing you'll need to do is install the software that is provided.

The instructions shouldn't be too hard to follow. You might have to load the software first, so make sure you read it before you start!

If you're going to make music CD's, I can help you with that as well. I'll shoot you an e-mail tomorrow and you can get started right away. DON'T WORRY!

oh, geez......where do i start??? hmmmm...from the top, what the hell does hot swap the drives mean? LOL

configure the hardware??? does that mean i don't have to break into this damn contraption and put in the device that will plug in 5 USB things (yes, i mean the device they supplied with the burner that would never fit into the dang laptop in the first place!!!)

"The instructions shouldn't be too hard to follow. You might have to load the software first, so make sure you read it before you start!"

no, not to hard to follow if i understood GREEK OR SWAHILI (sp?) whatever the F language they put this computer crap in!!!

i *thought* i had installed everything necessary, but even if it IS *installed*, i sure as heck can't figure out how to install it or do anything with it!!

and yes, i do intend on making music CD's, hopefully along with other stuff.

i'll be anxiously awaiting your mail, but will (hopefully) be back at work during the day tomorrow, pending the short ones temperature!! i'll respond sometime in the evening hours

thanks hon!!

(and keep this in mind when dealing with me.......back in the days that i went to school, PC's in the home were unheard of, or so expensive, than only bill gates himself could have afforded, so i have NO basic training on how to deal with the dang things!!)
Are you a patient man?

 

[Mizzou]

Dear Doctor F. Monk

Dear Doctor F. Monk

Dear Dr. F. Monk:

My wife has extremely large breast and a small little tight butt. I, in turn, have a woody way, way too much.

What does the a doctor with your experience usually recommend?

Sincerely,

Puzzled

 

[BahamaMama]

Re: Dear Doctor F. Monk

Re: Dear Doctor F. Monk

Dear Dr. F. Monk:

My wife has extremely large breast and a small little tight butt. I, in turn, have a woody way, way too much.

What does the a doctor with your experience usually recommend?

Sincerely,

Puzzled

DAMN, Monk......you aren't here again!, so i wanna field this one for you, too

Mizzou.... if you want to totally get rid of both problems with your wife, yet keep the problem of your own, i suggest that you visit Minnesota

 

[Felonious Monk]

Puzzled,

Congrats! Now listen to me closely.

Drill her good tonight, videotape it, transfer to computer, upload it to a webpage, and provide the link.

 

[JSMOOTH]

Dr. Monk,

Dr. Monk,

About 3 years ago, I finally convinced my wife to "cut the grass". Now, she wants me to keep my "shrubs" trimmed to perfection. I obliged on her that (fair is fair) but damn, does it itch! What do I do?

 

[Dr Raider]

Dr Monk,

great Thread

Question:

That is a most unusual screen name-

how did you get it?

 

[Felonious Monk]

JSMOOTH,

First of all, I applaud you on your efforts in getting your wife to trim up the box. Not an easy task!

In your case, she has actually convinced you to shear the wooly mammoth, which is a good thing. We all have to remember that they go down there too. A high maintenance relationship, as yours, means more tongue lashing while dining in at the "Y".

You might feel uncomfortable after the first whacking but that's common. The itching can be intense but that's because you lose all of your hair tips, making it feel like a baby cactus has been firmly planted above your shaft. It's like when a lizard loses his tail...he won't feel like a real lizard again until he starts to grow that tip back. It puts you in that comfort zone.

In the meantime, use alot of baby powder to ease the friction. I also recommend the Black & Decker Bush Hog for beginners. Very user-friendly and only takes a few minutes per session.

Now go get 'em prickly nuts!

Next please.....

 

[Felonious Monk]

The Doctor is back.....

 

[taoist]

...where ya been Monk? ...been kind of quite around here. Hope that all is well with you and yours....


Happy New Year, my friend.

 

[TORONTO-VIGILANTE]

Yo, FM...

i got this friend that's a former place kicker (helluh10) and he's a bit shy with the ladies...problem is he's an ugly ****, his social skills are horrible, and he's got one HELLUVA overbite and the girls tend to shy away from him.

what should he do to increase the remote chance that he'll get laid.....by a female, no doubt?

thanks for the witty reply in advance.

a concerned friend.

 

[SixFive]

Dear Doctor Monk,

My relationship problem is with the local deer herd. The big ones won't stand close enough or still enough for me to sling an arrow in their direction.

What do u suggest?

Thanks,

William Tell

 

[Felonious Monk]

hey taoist, long time indeed. i've been busy messing with this website me and a friend are trying to get off the ground so i haven't had a lot of time to spend over here like i would like.

hit me up on yahoo im when you get a chance, my id is tmaculate1.

 

[TIME TO MAKE $$$]

Happy new years to you and your family MONK!!

 

[Felonious Monk]

TORONTO VIG,

Sounds like your friend hellah just needs to swallow hard and "take one for the team". So he has an overbite, atleast it's nothing serious like throat herpes because those antibiotics can get really expensive...uh, not that I've experienced anything like that before.

Any good "slump buster" will agree that the key to ending a dry spell is to think "BIG", literally. You need to encourage your friend to go out and find the fattest girl at the bar, buy her plenty of drinks, and close the deal. There are a lot of desperate and horny women out there and none easier than a good-sized 300+ pounder to regain some of that lost confidence.

Just make sure to strap on one of those Goodyear Steel Belted Radial Condoms. The only thing worse than having to wear a condom when having sex with a fat chick, is having the fat chick show up at your door, tell you she's pregnant, then have her dad tell you it's time to get married.

Good luck jawbreaker!