It is the year 2003 and Noah lives in the United
States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am
going to make it
rain
and cover the whole earth with water until all is
destroyed. But I
want
you to save the righteous people and two of every kind
of living thing
on
the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an
Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the
specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed
to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark
and bring
everything
aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered
the earth and all
the
seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw
Noah sitting in his
front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the
Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah.&nbs! p; "I did my best,
but there were
big
problems. First, I had to get a permit for
construction and your plans
did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an
engineering firm and
redraw
the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over
whether or not the
Ark
needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbor
objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances
by building the
Ark in
my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the
city planning
commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark,
because there was a ban
on
cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally
convinced the U.S.
Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the
owls. However, the
Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls.
So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.
I had to
negotiate a
settlement with the Nat! ional Labor Union. Now I have
16 carpenters on
the
Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the
other animals, I
got
sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me
only taking two of
each
kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the
EPA notified me
that I
could not complete the Ark without filing an
environmental impact
statement
on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly
to the idea that
they
had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of
the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the
proposed new
flood
plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed
with the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing
discrimination
by
not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard! The IRS
has seized all
my
assets, claiming that I'm building the A! rk in
preparation to flee the
country
to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the
state that I owe
some
kind of use tax and failed to register the Ark as a
recreational water
craft.
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction
against further
construction of the Ark, saying that since God is
flooding the earth,
it
is a religious event, therefore unconstitutional. I
really don't think
I can
finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah
wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the
seas began to
calm.
A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up
hopefully. "You mean
you
are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already
has."
AMEN!
States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am
going to make it
rain
and cover the whole earth with water until all is
destroyed. But I
want
you to save the righteous people and two of every kind
of living thing
on
the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an
Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the
specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed
to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark
and bring
everything
aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered
the earth and all
the
seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw
Noah sitting in his
front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the
Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah.&nbs! p; "I did my best,
but there were
big
problems. First, I had to get a permit for
construction and your plans
did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an
engineering firm and
redraw
the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over
whether or not the
Ark
needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbor
objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances
by building the
Ark in
my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the
city planning
commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark,
because there was a ban
on
cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally
convinced the U.S.
Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the
owls. However, the
Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls.
So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.
I had to
negotiate a
settlement with the Nat! ional Labor Union. Now I have
16 carpenters on
the
Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the
other animals, I
got
sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me
only taking two of
each
kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the
EPA notified me
that I
could not complete the Ark without filing an
environmental impact
statement
on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly
to the idea that
they
had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of
the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the
proposed new
flood
plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed
with the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing
discrimination
by
not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard! The IRS
has seized all
my
assets, claiming that I'm building the A! rk in
preparation to flee the
country
to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the
state that I owe
some
kind of use tax and failed to register the Ark as a
recreational water
craft.
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction
against further
construction of the Ark, saying that since God is
flooding the earth,
it
is a religious event, therefore unconstitutional. I
really don't think
I can
finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah
wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the
seas began to
calm.
A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up
hopefully. "You mean
you
are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already
has."
AMEN!
