Vote for me, GOP: a presidential platform
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
By Reg Henry, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
I take the opportunity today to declare my intention to seek the Republican nomination for president.
Many candidates make a grand event of this, but that is not my humble nature. Nor do I wish to employ so-called "new media," such as Twitter and Facebook. Those newfangled gimmicks are for the likes of Barack Obama. You will want me to use a Teleprompter next.
Such a momentous announcement as mine should not be tweeted like a canary commenting on a bird feeder. As for Facebook, I have no desire to make a book of my face. People suffer enough when they meet me.
No, I am appealing to old-fashioned folks nostalgic for the days when carrier pigeons did a fine job of carrying messages. I want real conservatives, backward-thinking folks steeped in the ways of the past -- not to mention steeped in alcoholic beverages taken strictly for medicinal purposes.
This is my target demographic. Nothing against young people, but my view is that they are not yet smart enough to be old. Instead of sitting around texting each other on whatever comes into their young heads, they should be preparing themselves for all the national debt they are destined to inherit. Many seniors agree with me about this.
Why, you ask, have I decided to run at this time? Because I hear my nation calling me to service. "Yoo-hoo, Reg," the nation says. I must say it startled me when I first heard it. I thought it was my wife telling me to mow the lawn.
The other reason I am running is that the Republican field is being reduced by the minute. This is very worrisome. If this keeps up, political pundits will have nothing to comment about. They will become like Trappist monks in their contemplative silence, only less pious.
Donald Trump has withdrawn, as if taking a whole weather system off the map, his hair alone having served as a vast cloud front. Mike Huckebee has also departed -- and gone with him is the down-home jovial presence much admired by those who prefer gravy to gravitas.
The field hasn't become too bland, not with the serially repentant Newt Gingrich making the case that everything the party of family values has stood for in the last 20 years will be revealed as hypocritical if he is nominated.
And he is just one of a madcap crew, such as Michele Bachmann, who is so clever that she can make up history, and Rick Santorum, famous for his principled stand against inter-species sex.
This is all very well, but if President Obama is to be defeated, the Republican Party cannot turn its back on the stodgy views and sclerotic prejudices that have made the GOP great. So what does that whippersnapper Rep. Paul Ryan think he is up to with his vouchers for Medicare? Where is the old-fashioned pandering?
Someone special needs to run for president to stop the rot. Did I say I love America? And adore dogs and old people, not necessarily in that order? (I am still working out my position on kittens.)
As a bonus, no doubt exists on whether I was born in this country -- and for good reason. I wasn't. By geographical chance, I was born in Singapore and grew up in Australia, but I believe I am a natural-born citizen because I have been called "a natural" many times -- most recently, a "natural screw-up."
Besides, who knows what "natural born" means in the Constitution? You can't be president if your mother had a Caesarean? This is clearly a job for lawyers. When I hire some at $300 an hour, the American people will recognize this as one of the most fundamentally patriotic acts in the United States of Attorneys. That should quell the controversy.
As befitting my modern-averse candidacy, I am working out position papers that will comfort voters with a strong resistance to change. I have decided to support the gold standard but oppose the Treaty of Versailles.
On more contemporary issues, I believe wrinkles should be tax deductible and Medicare and Social Security should be declared religions that cannot be taxed or interfered with. It is true that I am for bringing back the stocks, but only for the crime of cell phone use in theaters. However, I am against debtor prisons because everybody in America would have to be put in one.
I thank you for your support. Look for my exciting slogan ("Back to the Future") and political announcements delivered by friendly carrier pigeons. Talk about tweeting.
Reg Henry: rhenry@post-gazette.com or 412-263-1668. Read his blog "Reg on Wry" at www.post-gazette.com/regonwry. More articles by this author
First published on May 18, 2011 at 12:00 am
Read more: http://www.postgazette.com/pg/11138/1147257-154-0.stm?cmpid=bcpanel1#ixzz1MhaKIls6
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
By Reg Henry, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
I take the opportunity today to declare my intention to seek the Republican nomination for president.
Many candidates make a grand event of this, but that is not my humble nature. Nor do I wish to employ so-called "new media," such as Twitter and Facebook. Those newfangled gimmicks are for the likes of Barack Obama. You will want me to use a Teleprompter next.
Such a momentous announcement as mine should not be tweeted like a canary commenting on a bird feeder. As for Facebook, I have no desire to make a book of my face. People suffer enough when they meet me.
No, I am appealing to old-fashioned folks nostalgic for the days when carrier pigeons did a fine job of carrying messages. I want real conservatives, backward-thinking folks steeped in the ways of the past -- not to mention steeped in alcoholic beverages taken strictly for medicinal purposes.
This is my target demographic. Nothing against young people, but my view is that they are not yet smart enough to be old. Instead of sitting around texting each other on whatever comes into their young heads, they should be preparing themselves for all the national debt they are destined to inherit. Many seniors agree with me about this.
Why, you ask, have I decided to run at this time? Because I hear my nation calling me to service. "Yoo-hoo, Reg," the nation says. I must say it startled me when I first heard it. I thought it was my wife telling me to mow the lawn.
The other reason I am running is that the Republican field is being reduced by the minute. This is very worrisome. If this keeps up, political pundits will have nothing to comment about. They will become like Trappist monks in their contemplative silence, only less pious.
Donald Trump has withdrawn, as if taking a whole weather system off the map, his hair alone having served as a vast cloud front. Mike Huckebee has also departed -- and gone with him is the down-home jovial presence much admired by those who prefer gravy to gravitas.
The field hasn't become too bland, not with the serially repentant Newt Gingrich making the case that everything the party of family values has stood for in the last 20 years will be revealed as hypocritical if he is nominated.
And he is just one of a madcap crew, such as Michele Bachmann, who is so clever that she can make up history, and Rick Santorum, famous for his principled stand against inter-species sex.
This is all very well, but if President Obama is to be defeated, the Republican Party cannot turn its back on the stodgy views and sclerotic prejudices that have made the GOP great. So what does that whippersnapper Rep. Paul Ryan think he is up to with his vouchers for Medicare? Where is the old-fashioned pandering?
Someone special needs to run for president to stop the rot. Did I say I love America? And adore dogs and old people, not necessarily in that order? (I am still working out my position on kittens.)
As a bonus, no doubt exists on whether I was born in this country -- and for good reason. I wasn't. By geographical chance, I was born in Singapore and grew up in Australia, but I believe I am a natural-born citizen because I have been called "a natural" many times -- most recently, a "natural screw-up."
Besides, who knows what "natural born" means in the Constitution? You can't be president if your mother had a Caesarean? This is clearly a job for lawyers. When I hire some at $300 an hour, the American people will recognize this as one of the most fundamentally patriotic acts in the United States of Attorneys. That should quell the controversy.
As befitting my modern-averse candidacy, I am working out position papers that will comfort voters with a strong resistance to change. I have decided to support the gold standard but oppose the Treaty of Versailles.
On more contemporary issues, I believe wrinkles should be tax deductible and Medicare and Social Security should be declared religions that cannot be taxed or interfered with. It is true that I am for bringing back the stocks, but only for the crime of cell phone use in theaters. However, I am against debtor prisons because everybody in America would have to be put in one.
I thank you for your support. Look for my exciting slogan ("Back to the Future") and political announcements delivered by friendly carrier pigeons. Talk about tweeting.
Reg Henry: rhenry@post-gazette.com or 412-263-1668. Read his blog "Reg on Wry" at www.post-gazette.com/regonwry. More articles by this author
First published on May 18, 2011 at 12:00 am
Read more: http://www.postgazette.com/pg/11138/1147257-154-0.stm?cmpid=bcpanel1#ixzz1MhaKIls6
