Due to increasing products liability litigation, American Beer Brewers
have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be
placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: The consumption of beer may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of beer may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of beer is a major factor in dancing like an
idiot.
WARNING: The consumption of beer may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of beer may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of beer may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of beer may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of beer may make you think you have mystical
Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of beer may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of beer is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: The consumption of beer may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of beer may lead you to believe you are
invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of beer may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of beer may cause a disturbance in the
time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally
disappear.
And changing the tempo a bit...
A wonderful Message by George Carlin:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have
taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider
freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more,
but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families, more
conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees
but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment,
more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but
less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too
recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get
too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read
too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our
values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate
too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.
We've added years to life not life to years. We've
been all the way to the moon and back, but have
trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've
done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We
write more, but learn less. We plan more, but
accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait.
We build more computers to hold more
information, to produce more copies than ever, but
we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow
digestion, big men and small character, steep
profits and shallow relationships. These are the
days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier
houses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers,
throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight
bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet,
to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom
window and nothing in the stockroom.
A time when technology can
bring this letter to you, and a time when you can
choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones,
because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to
you in awe, because that little person soon will
grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you,
because that is the only treasure you can give with
your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and
your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and
an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep
inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for
someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time
to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we
take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just read this slowly
Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone.
Fourth time in as any months. How could a guy get caught so often?
When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over, but only partially.
Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other
car will tweak his backside with a mirror.
The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand.
Bob? Bob from Church? Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming ticket.
A cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a
long day at the office. A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow.
Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he'd never seen in uniform.
"Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this."
"Hello, Jack." No smile.
"Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids."
"Yeah, I guess." Bob seemed uncertain. Good.
"I've seen some long days at the office lately. I'm afraid I bent the rules a bit -just this once."
Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement. "Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight.
Know what I mean?"
"I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct." Ouch. This was not
going in the right direction. Time to change tactics.
"What'd you clock me at?"
"Seventy. Would you sit back in your car please?"
"Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you. I was barely nudging 65."
The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket.
"Please, Jack, in the car."
Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dashboard. He was in no rush to open the window.
The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad.
Why hadn't he asked for a driver's license?
Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again.
A tap on the door jerked his head to the left. There was Bob, folded paper in hand Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.
"Thanks." Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice.
Bob returned to his police car without a word. Jack watched his retreat in the mirror.
Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost?
Wait a miminute.. What was this? Some kind of joke? Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read:
"Dear Jack,
Once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it-a speeding driver. A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters All three of them. I only had one, and I'm going to have to wait until Heaven before I can ever hug her again. A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for me. And be careful, Jack, my son is all I have left." "Bob"
Jack turned around in time to see Bob's car pull away and head down the road.. Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, he too, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived.
Life is precious. Handle with care. This is an important message; please pass it along to your friends. Drive safely and carefully. Remember, cars are not the only things recalled by their maker.
have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be
placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: The consumption of beer may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of beer may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of beer is a major factor in dancing like an
idiot.
WARNING: The consumption of beer may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of beer may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of beer may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of beer may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of beer may make you think you have mystical
Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of beer may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of beer is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: The consumption of beer may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of beer may lead you to believe you are
invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of beer may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of beer may cause a disturbance in the
time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally
disappear.
And changing the tempo a bit...
A wonderful Message by George Carlin:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have
taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider
freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more,
but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families, more
conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees
but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment,
more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but
less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too
recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get
too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read
too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our
values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate
too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.
We've added years to life not life to years. We've
been all the way to the moon and back, but have
trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've
done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We
write more, but learn less. We plan more, but
accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait.
We build more computers to hold more
information, to produce more copies than ever, but
we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow
digestion, big men and small character, steep
profits and shallow relationships. These are the
days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier
houses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers,
throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight
bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet,
to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom
window and nothing in the stockroom.
A time when technology can
bring this letter to you, and a time when you can
choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones,
because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to
you in awe, because that little person soon will
grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you,
because that is the only treasure you can give with
your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and
your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and
an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep
inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for
someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time
to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we
take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just read this slowly
Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone.
Fourth time in as any months. How could a guy get caught so often?
When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over, but only partially.
Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other
car will tweak his backside with a mirror.
The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand.
Bob? Bob from Church? Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming ticket.
A cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a
long day at the office. A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow.
Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he'd never seen in uniform.
"Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this."
"Hello, Jack." No smile.
"Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids."
"Yeah, I guess." Bob seemed uncertain. Good.
"I've seen some long days at the office lately. I'm afraid I bent the rules a bit -just this once."
Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement. "Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight.
Know what I mean?"
"I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct." Ouch. This was not
going in the right direction. Time to change tactics.
"What'd you clock me at?"
"Seventy. Would you sit back in your car please?"
"Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you. I was barely nudging 65."
The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket.
"Please, Jack, in the car."
Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dashboard. He was in no rush to open the window.
The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad.
Why hadn't he asked for a driver's license?
Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again.
A tap on the door jerked his head to the left. There was Bob, folded paper in hand Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.
"Thanks." Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice.
Bob returned to his police car without a word. Jack watched his retreat in the mirror.
Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost?
Wait a miminute.. What was this? Some kind of joke? Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read:
"Dear Jack,
Once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it-a speeding driver. A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters All three of them. I only had one, and I'm going to have to wait until Heaven before I can ever hug her again. A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for me. And be careful, Jack, my son is all I have left." "Bob"
Jack turned around in time to see Bob's car pull away and head down the road.. Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, he too, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived.
Life is precious. Handle with care. This is an important message; please pass it along to your friends. Drive safely and carefully. Remember, cars are not the only things recalled by their maker.
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