carpe diem
carpe diem
Yes, Mr. Chopsticks. It was 1986. And I remember it like it was just yesterday... Penn State won the national championship, scientists discovered a hole in the ozone and encouraged everyone to use stick deodorant, and Dan Rather warned that most of us would be dead in seven years because of the AIDS.
Me and a coworker (call him ?Ed? the photo lab manager) left Dania Jai Alai with some extra dough so we quickly invested in a big bottle of Smirnoff, the kind that comes with a glass handle. One AM and we are driving down A1A in Ed?s 5.0 Mustang when I notice some chick walking alone on the sidewalk. ?Pull over, man. I?m going to go talk to her.?
?Wanna come party with us for awhile??
?Yes,? says she. ?But I need a quick ride somewhere if that?s OK.? I assured her that we could drive her anywhere she needed to go as she climbed into the back seat of Ed?s car. This is when I noticed that she had only one arm. She led us to an area known as The Jungle and swiftly purchased a tiny bit of something that was highly illegal, immoral and downright wonderful.
We headed west to Ed?s modest condo and, without hesitation she opened the fridge, popped a fresh can of beer and poured it down the sink. ?Hey! That?s sacrilege in these parts.? But she listened not as the thrill of her process was about to set in. She coached me into building a pipe for her out of that beer can and the three of us set up in Ed?s tiny bedroom like it was a picnic in the park on a sunny afternoon. But it was 3:00 AM in my co-worker?s dreary bedroom, the vodka was gone and I had to report to work in a few hours. I was about to get the hell out of there when this chick says, ?Well I don?t know about you guys but I been incarcerated for six months and I wanna get laid tonite!?
I had never heard talk like that and Ed and I start nodding in agreement. Well, of course, we would like to be laid too. That sounds rather good. She spoke so casually like asking a grocer where to find the oyster crackers. (I came from the old school where a man had to really work hard to get to the sex. Movies and dinner and dancing and phone calls and promises). Well, everyone took out their genitals in quick fashion and placed them in spots. Ed was shlinking and I was shlanking. She moaned, I shlinked a bit while Ed shlanked and it was all about the crafty placement of arms and legs really. There wasn?t even a bed as Ed slept on a couch in those days. So we pulled the couch away from the wall and used it as a fulcrum. At one point Ed?s roommate, Paco, knocked at the door and suggested we quiet down.
It was the six flags of decadence. There?s nothing quite like just-got-out-of-jail sex. I remember finally gathering myself to leave the room and I stopped to look at this musky, one-armed girl sprawled out on Ed?s carpet. He was passed out on his couch and I was sort of looking for my socks. I just couldn?t resist one more ride. It was like a couple pieces of pizza there on the cardboard that nobody was going to eat. You really hate to just throw it out. Even though you are not hungry you put it in your mouth and eat it anyway.