1st of all -
Y'all know I've spent some time in the cotton business along with working at a bookkeeping tax shop as well calling little shits out as an umpire. What y'all don't know is that I dabbled in the art of being a Cleaner while in college.
When you hear the term Cleaner you usually think to the guy in Pulp Fiction who comes in to fix the problem after Marvin gets shot in the face. If that is who you think of then you know that, 1. I'm cool as fuck and 2. You remain calm at all costs.
So here's the plan. Stop with the Ravens of old defensive bullshit and move over to the other side of the ball to play a little offense. If you ask me, you got her right where you want her. We're going to need a few things. 2 bottles of wine, A Joe Flacco bobble-head doll, A bouquet of flowers, Dog Poo, A syringe filled with Rohypnol, and a set of nuts, preferably yours.
Time to tell Sweetie that the least you could do for forgetting her special day is to make a special night for her which includes wine, dinner and dessert. Your treat, all she has to do is relax and enjoy it. I recommend two 6 oz filets more on that later. If you haven't put the Roofie in the wine yet, we obviously came up short on the pair of nuts item above. If you have...
Pour her the wine while you fire up the grill. This is where my years of Cleaning and a few weeks of David Blaine type Magic come in handy. Bring her the wine and show her the Flacco Bobble-head and tell her how it is your prized possession that you won from Sportsaholic on a bet. Ad-lib a little here, I need this Bobble-head to be important to you. What we are doing here is slight of hand by taking the focus away from the wine as well as foreshadowing the payoff. Put the bouquet of flowers in a vase as the center piece of your dining room table. Rohypnol takes about 45-60 minutes to fully kick in. That gives you 30 minutes for the grill to heat up, 6-7 minutes of cooking and an additional 5 minutes of rest time. Let the steak rest longer if the Roofie is slow to act.
Ok, the wife is passed out, Now what? Now you've got 12 ounces of filet to eat. It is important to make 2 plates and eat both yours and hers. Enjoy it, savor it, she'll be out for at least 8 hours so need to rush now. Make sure to open your other bottle of wine. A nice Merlot should go perfectly with your steak. Once you are finished with dinner, the offense begins.
Don't you dare put those dishes up. This is your canvas for painting the memories that your wife will have. Now is time to go to the list. Every step must be completed. Good Cleaners never miss a step.
Pour out the tainted Wine. You can continue to drink your bottle while doing the rest of the items. Place that empty bottle on its side on the table.
Empty the water out of the vase and then turn the flowers over on the table. You want to show a scene occurred but you don't want to ruin your table. Dampen a cloth and then set it under the flowers as if it soaked up the water. On the side of the vase that is now facing up, wipe a little bit of dog poo on to the vase. More on this later.
Take the dog poo and wipe a little on your wife right palm (if right handed). Put the dog poo on your used plate, pull the head off of the Flacco bobble-doll and set both the head and body standing up in the dog poo. You're wondering "Is this necessary?" This is not the time to start questioning the Cleaner. Save a smidge of dog poo for later.
Hopefully you are close to being done with your bottle of wine. Pour just a little in her glass and put it back next to her empty but dirty plate. Take the empty bottle and place it next to the other empty bottle.
Clean your wine glass, dry it and place it back next to your plate. Oops, guess she was the only one to drink last night.
Finally put the last little bit of dog poo on your face. Important, left cheek (If wife is right handed) You've come this far, are you really going to question this now. This is the money shot.
Go to sleep and make sure that she wakes up before you. She will survey the scene in a haze trying to recall what happened last night. She'll see the poo, then she'll smell the poo (It's human nature) then she'll throw up the lovely red wine reminding her that she had a little something to drink last night.
At this point all you have to do is fill in the blanks. You drank a lot. You told me I'm a horrible husband. I tried to apologize and then you got dog poo, destroyed my bobble-head, knocked over the vase,and slapped me.
Enjoy the rest of your week living like a king.
Sincerely
JoshNCleanerAudi
