Let's hear it for old men!

[MadJack]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic table ,horseshoe courts, and some apple trees.The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some apples. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

 

[BADTODABONE]

A Jewish widow was sunbathing on a beach at Ft. Myers Florida . She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted," Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?"

 

[BADTODABONE]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars." ;Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over a gain, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

 

[Morris]

Those are too funny!! :mj07:

 

[MadJack]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale" He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he
says "So, what's your story?". The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I
discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help
the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the
toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs." In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world
leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one
of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting
around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.

So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56
Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired. "

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for thedog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing!
Whyon earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's such a bullshitter ... He never did any of that stuff. He was in the Coast Guard!"
:142smilie

 

[Old School]

:00hour :00hour

 

[yyz]

:nooo:

 

[Terryray]

 

[BADTODABONE]

Will I live to be 80?


Here's something to think about.


I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'


He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'


'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'


Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'


'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'


'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'


'No, I don't,' I said.


He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'


'No,' I said.


He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'