ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS. Too funny...
>>
>> -----
>> This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a =
>>"pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
>>
>> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that =
>>sparked my interest. =20
>> The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a =
>>little something extra for my wife Toni. =20
>> What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. =20
>> The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no =
>>long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time =
>>to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
>>
>> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. =20
>> I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the =
>>button. Nothing!
>> ZAP ! I was disappointed. I learned, however! , that if I pushed =
>>the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd =
>>get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the =
>>prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what =
>>that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>>
>> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself =
>>that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. =
>>right?!!!
>>
>> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently =
>>(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking =
>>that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving =
>>target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of =
>>a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I =
>>was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a =
>>mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am =
>>I wrong?
>>
>> So! , there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my =
>>reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions =
>>in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second =
>>burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was =
>>supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a =
>>three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the =
>>ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds =
>>would be wasting the batteries.
>>
>> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" =
>>long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded =
>>with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, "no =
>>possible way!"
>>
>> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my =
>>best.....
>>
>> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to =
>>one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second b! =
>>urst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..
>>
>> I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of =
>>it. =20
>> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and =
>>HOLY MOTHER! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
>> @!@$$!%!@*!!!
>>
>> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, =
>>picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, =
>>over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in =
>>the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both =
>>nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked =
>>under my body in
>> the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was =
>>standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking =
>>my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
>>
>> Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, =
>>one note of caution: there ! is no such thing as a one-second burst when =
>>you zap yourself.
>>
>> You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your =
>>hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
>>
>> A three second burst would be considered conservative.
>>
>> SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't =
>>be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits =
>>(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
>>
>> My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How =
>>did they get there???
>>
>> My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
>>
>> My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom =
>>lip weighed 88 lbs.
>>
>> I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant =
>>reward for their safe return.
>>
>> Still in shock,
>> Tommy=20
>>
>> -----
>> This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a =
>>"pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
>>
>> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that =
>>sparked my interest. =20
>> The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a =
>>little something extra for my wife Toni. =20
>> What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. =20
>> The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no =
>>long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time =
>>to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
>>
>> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. =20
>> I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the =
>>button. Nothing!
>> ZAP ! I was disappointed. I learned, however! , that if I pushed =
>>the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd =
>>get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the =
>>prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what =
>>that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>>
>> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself =
>>that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. =
>>right?!!!
>>
>> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently =
>>(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking =
>>that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving =
>>target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of =
>>a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I =
>>was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a =
>>mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am =
>>I wrong?
>>
>> So! , there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my =
>>reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions =
>>in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second =
>>burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was =
>>supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a =
>>three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the =
>>ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds =
>>would be wasting the batteries.
>>
>> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" =
>>long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded =
>>with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, "no =
>>possible way!"
>>
>> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my =
>>best.....
>>
>> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to =
>>one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second b! =
>>urst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..
>>
>> I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of =
>>it. =20
>> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and =
>>HOLY MOTHER! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
>> @!@$$!%!@*!!!
>>
>> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, =
>>picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, =
>>over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in =
>>the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both =
>>nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked =
>>under my body in
>> the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was =
>>standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking =
>>my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
>>
>> Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, =
>>one note of caution: there ! is no such thing as a one-second burst when =
>>you zap yourself.
>>
>> You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your =
>>hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
>>
>> A three second burst would be considered conservative.
>>
>> SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't =
>>be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits =
>>(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
>>
>> My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How =
>>did they get there???
>>
>> My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
>>
>> My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom =
>>lip weighed 88 lbs.
>>
>> I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant =
>>reward for their safe return.
>>
>> Still in shock,
>> Tommy=20
