St. Paddy Day Jokes

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BADTODABONE

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Tis the month of March...Let's all send 'em here....



An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.


'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'< /P>



The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys.'< /P>



Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'



This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'< /P>

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.



'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.< /P>



At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.</ P>



The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'< /P>



The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.<

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



> AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
>
> An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She
> seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll
> of the dice.
>
> She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
> completely nude'.
>
> With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with
> an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
>
> As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
> squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
>
> She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and
> her clothes and quickly departed.
>
> The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
>
> Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
>
> The other answered,
> 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
>
> MORAL OF THE STORY -
>
> Not all Irish are drunks,
> not all blondes are dumb, but all men..are men.
```````````````````````````````
IRISH BANK ROBBER

An armed, hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the
tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the
loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off,
revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy without hesitation. He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him, and the robber shoots him, too. Everyone, by now, is very scared and looking
down at the floor. "Did anyone else see my face?", calls the robber.

There are a few moments silence, then one elderly Irish gent, looking
down, tentatively raises his hand, clears his throat and says, "I think
me wife over there might have caught a glimpse...."
 
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BADTODABONE

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One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.



He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.



Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!



She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"



"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.



He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"


"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.


Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman." 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"



At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"



With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!
 
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BADTODABONE

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Only In Ireland
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the one, who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all'.

'They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch!'
 
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BADTODABONE said:
Only In Ireland
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the one, who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all'.

'They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch!'
Click to expand...

LMFAO!
 
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BADTODABONE

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Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy is planning to Marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.
If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the fuckin? shovel.'
 
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BADTODABONE said:
Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy is planning to Marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.
If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the fuckin? shovel.'
Click to expand...

:142smilie :142smilie
 
yyz

yyz

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On the course!
I post this one ev'ry year, but it still makes me chuckle:


What do you call two Irish fags?


Michael Fitzpatrick, and Patrick fits Michael!
 
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