The Duck............

[Sportsaholic]

Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven - don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all of this, and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, and one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on - very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, tanned.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

 

[Dead Money]

:0029

 

[REFLOG]

:rimshot

 

[Sportsaholic]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident.

They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter shows up, they ask him.

St. Peter says, 'I don't know.This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sits, and waits, and waits.Two months pass and the couple are still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.


'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered.'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' say the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.


"'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts,'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'



:0003

 

[Sportsaholic]

FIRST TIME SEX

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

2 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, 5 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

 

[CryBoy]

:mj07:

 

[McKenzie]

:mj07:

 

[REFLOG]

FIRST TIME SEX

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

2 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, 5 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

:mj07:

 

[Handi Capper]

:mj07::mj07::mj07:

 

[Morris]

:mj07:

 

[pd1]

A small, white duck goes into a bar, jumps on the barstool, orders a shot of booze and says to the bartender 'listen, I'm a bricklayer on the construction site nearby. The works will last for some time and I'll be coming here every day around lunchtime for a shot of booze, so think about some discount or something'. The duck drinks the shot, jumps off the stool and goes out. The bartender is shocked, he's never seen a talking duck before, so he calls his friend who owns a circus: 'listen, there's a talking duck coming to my bar, come tomorrow around lunchtime and see for yourself'. So the next day the circus owner waits in the bar and the duck goes in, jumps on the barstool and orders a shot of booze. The circus manager overcomes his awe and says: 'Hello sir, I'm a circus owner and I want to offer you a job. I can give you whatever money you want, plus a company car, a cell phone, best hotels, best women, whatever you want'. The duck considers his offer for a moment and says 'so you're a circus owner, right?' 'Right' 'And your circus is one of those big tents, right?' 'Right.' 'With a sandy arena in the middle?' 'Yes' 'And with rows of seats around?' 'Correct' 'So what the fuck you need a bricklayer for?

 

[Sportsaholic]

Night of Drinking

A man and his pet duck walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my duck."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the duck falls over dead.
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a duck."

 

[no pepper]

A woman walks into the bar with a mallard duck on a leash. The bartender says, "Hey where'd you get the pig?"
The women says, "This isn't a pig it's a duck." Bartender says "I was talking to the duck."