What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
- Thread starter MadJack
- Start date
It was a 'copy & paste' ....leave it to YYZ to dissect a joke :142smilie
Here's another....
SUMBICH!!!!
A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters, and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'
An Irish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking out of a pond.
The Irish farmer shouted in Gaelic: 'Paid a yfed a dwr, maer gwerthin wedi Cachu un a for.'
Which means: 'Don't drink the water. The cows have shit in it.'
The man shouts back: 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English.'
The Irish farmer says: 'Use two hands, it holds more!!!"
The Irish farmer shouted in Gaelic: 'Paid a yfed a dwr, maer gwerthin wedi Cachu un a for.'
Which means: 'Don't drink the water. The cows have shit in it.'
The man shouts back: 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English.'
The Irish farmer says: 'Use two hands, it holds more!!!"
____________________________________________________________________________________
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer RRRRRIPP?.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!!!'
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that resembled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, ' Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer RRRRRIPP?.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!!!'
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that resembled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, ' Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'
They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
A man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m.
and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies,
?I am going to a lecture about alcohol
abuse and the effects it has on the human body?.
The officer then asks,
?Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night??
The man replies,
?My wife.?
and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies,
?I am going to a lecture about alcohol
abuse and the effects it has on the human body?.
The officer then asks,
?Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night??
The man replies,
?My wife.?
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
just got this email. gave me a good laugh at work.
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired MARINE and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?" He looked up from his newspaper and said "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said, Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out." She giggled and said "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and said, " Mission Accomplished."
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired MARINE and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?" He looked up from his newspaper and said "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said, Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out." She giggled and said "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and said, " Mission Accomplished."
wife & I was tv the other nite & i had control of remote. was flipping between poker & porn. wife said "your constant flipping is me nuts. leave it on porn, u allready know how to play poker"
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when,
through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual
striptease in front of an old green John Deere . Buttocks clenched, he
performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides o...ff first the right strap
of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders
forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to
his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both
sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt
underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body,
and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,"What the
heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin
trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I
do 'something sexy to a tractor'."
through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual
striptease in front of an old green John Deere . Buttocks clenched, he
performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides o...ff first the right strap
of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders
forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to
his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both
sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt
underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body,
and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,"What the
heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin
trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I
do 'something sexy to a tractor'."
