To ThE nOt QuItE rEaDy FoR pRiMe-TiMe HeLeN oF tUrD:
Don't worry, kid, I will make some time to argue with you because I have come to realize that it is a turn on for some of you homebound freaks to get attention over the web.
I dEePlY aPoLoGiZe FoR nOt HaViNg TiMe To EnGaGe In SoMe Of YoUr Oh So WiTtY BaNtEr! ReAl TiMe AnD rEaL lIfE pReVeNtEd Me FrOm SpEnDiNg ThE eNtIrE dAy WiTh YoU! gIvEn ThE oPtIoN oF tHe StUdIo, ThE bEaCh AnD qUalItY tImE wItH tHe GiRlFrIeNd VeRsUs SiTtInG hErE aNd BeRaTiNg YoUr AmPlE aSs, YoU dO rAtE a DiStAnT sEcOnD eVeRy SiNgLe TiMe!
My SuGgEsTiOn To YoU iS tO tAke TiMe OfF aND gEt Up OfF yOuR aFoReMeNtIoNeD aMpLe AsS, rEmOvE tHe WhItE hOoD, tAkE tHe 7 Or 8 StEpS, wAlK oUt ThE dOoR, hOp InTo ThE ?78 fOrD pIcK-uP, fOlLoW ThE wElL-wOrN pAtH iN fRoNt Of YoUr TrAiLeR aNd SpEnD tHe DaY pEoPlE wAtChInG aNd PrEtEnDiNg To ShOp At ThE lOcAl WaLmArT! oR pErHaPs OrDeR yOuR uSuAl TwO oR tHrEe HaPpY mEaLs AnD mAkE sUrE nOt To NeGlEcT tHe HoT fUdGe SuNdAe YoU cRaVe FoR dAiLy! It MaY hAvE tHe DeSiReD eFfEcT aNd MaKe YoU fEeL lIkE a PaRt Of SoCiEtY, iF oNlY fOr A bRiEf FlEeTiNg MoMeNt, YoU sOcIaL oUtCaSt! I kNoW tHaT yOu HaVe ThE dIsPoSaBlE iNcOmE fOr tHiS dAy TrIp SiNcE tHe $20 JoHnS tHaT yOu SeRvIcE fAr OuTnUmBeR tHe AmOunT oF rOcK aNd CoOkIeS tHaT yOu CoNsUmE dAiLy!
By ThE wAy, It HaS aLsO cOmE tO mY aTtEnTiOn ThAt ThE lItTlE gIrL yOu CoNcEiVeD wItH uNcLe TrAvIs (Or WaS iT oNe Of ThE 50 oR sO fOoTbAlL pLaYeRs YoU sHaGgEd In HiGh ScHoOl) AnD pUt Up FoR aDoPtIoN wHeN yOu WeRe 14 (No NoT dAdDy'S oThEr LiTtLe GiRl), WeLl, ShEe ReAlLy Is QuItE cOnTeNt AnD mUcH bEtTeR oFf In HeR cUrReNt EnViRoNmEnT aNd Is OnLy SlIgHtLy MoNgOlOiD! sO sLeEp TiGhT bEcAuSe iT iS HiGhLy UnLiKeLy ThAt YoU wIlL eVeR eNcOuNtEr HeR aGaIn! No NeEd To TrY aNd MuStEr Up AnOtHeR lIe FoR hUbBy! FaR bE iT fOr Me To Be ThE cAuSe FoR tOdAy'S bEaTiNg! YoUr SeCrEtS aRe OnCe AgAin SaFe WiTh Me AnD yOu'Re WeLcOmE!
In ClOsInG, wHy NoT tAkE tHiS eDdIe FeLlA uP oN hIs OfFeR? i'M qUiTe SuRe ThAt He WoUlD bE mOrE tHaN wIlLiNg To AnTe Up ThE rEqUiReD $20 fEe FoR YoUr InCoMpArAbLe ChArMs AnD sErViCeS, mIsS lOoSeY!
AnD iN rEsPoNsE tO tHe InFaMoUs EsSo AnD hEr CoNsTaNt BlAtHeRiNg, I hErEbY CoIn ThE pHrAsE, ?ShUt Up! YoU dUmB aSs fAt BiTcH! aRe YoU sUrE tHaT yOu'Re NoT tWiNs? YoU'Re ToO sTuPiD tO bE jUsT oNe PeRsOn!? As An AlL eNcOmPaSsInG rEsPoNsE tO tHe HeIf, FuLly CoNfIdEnT ThAt ThIs StAtEmEnT iS A sUcCiNcT eNoUgH rEtOrT tO aNy AnD aLl fUtUrE pOsTs FrOm SaId MoRoN!
sHe SiMpLy IsN't In ThE sAmE lEaGuE aS yOu, MiSs DrIbBlE! oH nO! aNoThEr CoMpLiMeNt DiReCtEd At YoU, mUsKrAt HeLeN! mY GoD! eDdIe, SaY iT aIn'T sO!
