guy gets a knock at the door....

[lawtchan]

Two prostitues are walkng down the street

one prostitue says, "oh yeah, I smell money today, I smell dick in the air"


other one laughs, "Girl, I just burped"

 

[Axle]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves
assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though
initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired
and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

 

[LetsMakeMoney]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves
assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though
initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired
and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

 

[60 SEC ASSASSIN]

What's the best thing about having sex with twenty five year olds?













There's twenty of them! :mj07:

 

[MadJack]

okay, a jewish joke.......not meaning to offend, but it's funny. :mj07:

what happens if a jewish man with a hard-on runs into a wall?













































he breaks his nose :mj07: :mj07:

 

[Morris]

What's the best thing about having sex with twenty five year olds?













There's twenty of them! :mj07:

:scared :scared :scared

 

[Axle]

A LITTLE BRITISH HUMOR


The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat,
but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.


The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"


The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."


The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.


"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."


She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"


This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.


The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!"


An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

 

[Kanuck]

What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and a Fag?





























MEGA-SORE-ASS

 

[hogman14]

What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and a Fag?





























MEGA-SORE-ASS

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur....


A lick a lot o' puss

 

[taoist]

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

 

[taoist]

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

:SIB

 

[Axle]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.

She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,

'You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck, get the f*** away from me!

 

[taoist]

One day a multi billionaire was board, so he asked his butler to get him 3 men.

A few hours later the butler comes back. The man says "OK I've a deal you can't refuse. Who can swim successfully across this pool filed with sharks, eels, and leaches. The winner may have whatever his heat desires."

No one replies so the man gives up.

All of a sudden the man hears a splash. One of the men is swimming as fast as he can, dodging all the sharks, eels, and leaches.

The billionaire was so impressed that someone had enough guts take up his challenge. He congratulates the man and asks him what he wants.

The man replies "I want the Sun of a Bitch who pushed me in!!!"


:scared

 

[bjfinste]

Man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. A woman comes up to him, very friendly. They soon retreat back to her place.

Once at her place, the woman tells the man she has a brain tumor and has only a few days left to live.

"Won't you just please make me feel like a real, true, woman?" she asked. "Just one last time... like a real woman?"

The man says "of course" and slowly takes his shirt off.

Hands it to the woman and says, "Here, fold this."

 

[DOGS THAT BARK]

"Walmart" diagnosis


One day, in line at a company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than
a doctor."

So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis
elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will
improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-mart.

That afternoon, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. When he got
home, he mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter and his own sperm sample for good measure,
and hurried to Wal-mart before it closed, eager to check the results.

He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the
results.

The computer lights up, and ten seconds later prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener kit. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4 Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-mart !

 

[MadJack]

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

:mj07: :142smilie

 

[taoist]

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

:scared

 

[Slink Dawg]

A cowboy comes in a bar fresh off a week long cattle drive. Sits down at the bar next to a very nice looking lady. Cowboy tips his hat and says, "Howdy, I would like a little pu$$y" The lady looks at him and smiles and says, "Me too, mine is as big as that ash tray."

 

[Big Daddy]

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One
Day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our
Lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor:
When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's Soft-ball there."

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my
Best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor
For you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by
A blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."

"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Barb -- it's me, Rose."

"You' re not Rose. Rose just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.

"Rose! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.

"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better
Yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better
Than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime,
And it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all
We want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
The bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

 

[Big Daddy]

What a story?.




Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to

feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured

maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up

for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they

ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was

unable to find out what had happened to him.

?

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill,

but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat

Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so Then

he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

?

Well replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

?

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde

waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

?

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89

years old,? I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty' and

the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."