guy gets a knock at the door....

[BADTODABONE]

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting one day discussing who had the superior culture...
The Greek guy says "we built the Parthenon"
The Irishman replies "we discovered the summer and winter solstices"
The Greek retorts "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"
And the Irishman countered with "but we built the first timepieces and calendars"
The Greek is getting fed up and figures he'll end the conversation....
With a flourish of finality he says "We invented sex!"
The Irishman replies, "Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women."

 

[Morris]

:mj07:

 

[taoist]

A man walks into a Bank, gets in line, and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun ... and robs the Bank!...

But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks
the next customer in line:

Did you see me rob this Bank? The customer replies ...YES!

The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO HIS HEAD and BANG!!!!!...
SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man: DID
YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK????

The man calmly responds . No ... but my wife did!

:scared

 

[MadJack]

A man walks into a Bank, gets in line, and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun ... and robs the Bank!...

But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks
the next customer in line:

Did you see me rob this Bank? The customer replies ...YES!

The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO HIS HEAD and BANG!!!!!...
SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man: DID
YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK????

The man calmly responds . No ... but my wife did!

:scared

:mj07:

on a serious note, since you're a lawyer.
would it be possible to prosecute that husband for being an accessory in that case? :mj07:

 

[ces]

Man has been marooned on a deserted island for quite sometime. There are a pig and a dog, how-
ever. He's been stranded so long the pig is looking mighty attractive. Unfortunately everytime the man makes a move for the pig the dog gets between them.

One day the man hears screams coming from the
ocean. He runs to the sounds and ends up saving an absolutely gorgeous young lady. She tells the
man how grateful she is. "In fact," she says, " I am
so grateful to you that I will do anything you ask."

The shocked man asks, "Anthing?" "Anything!",
the stunningly beautiful woman replies.

The man thinks for a moment and then says to the
grateful young beauty,









"Could you take that dog for a walk?" :scared

 

[ces]

The Pope flies into Washington DC. When he gets to his awaiting limo, he tells the driver that he has always wanted to drive a limo. The driver responds with, "I have an idea. I'll just get in the back and you drive around all you want." Well, the Pope is delighted but has no idea how to drive in America.

It's not long before he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to the driver's side and as soon as the window is lowered, he recognizes the Pope immediately. The policeman excuses himself and tells the Pope that he'll be right back.

He radios in to his superior that he has stopped somebody very important and doesn't know what to do. The superior questions the patrolman, "Is it the president?" "No." replies the cop. "Well who could be more important than the president?" questions the superior.

The policeman excitedly answers, "I don't know,but the Pope is driving him around!"

 

[taoist]

couldn't remember if I already posted this...and too lazy to look....

couldn't remember if I already posted this...and too lazy to look....

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror
as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing

the next hole.The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped

his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
apologize.

'Please allow me to help I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I
could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,'she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments and asked,'How does that feel'?

He replied:
'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'


:SIB

 

[CANADA MAN]

A guy is at the Superbowl and notices the seat beside him is empty. During the 4th quarter he finally asks the guy on the other side of the empty seat, "Hey man, does this seat belong to you?" The man replies, "Yes, it sort of belongs to my wife - you see we've been coming to the Superbowl together for the past 20 years, and she recently passed away, so I bought the seat in her honor". "Wow!", replied the man - "That's very touching, but couldn't you find a friend or a family member to attend the game with you?"
"I tried!", replied the man - "but they're all at the funeral."


:canada1

 

[Kanuck]

A guy is at the Superbowl and notices the seat beside him is empty. During the 4th quarter he finally asks the guy on the other side of the empty seat, "Hey man, does this seat belong to you?" The man replies, "Yes, it sort of belongs to my wife - you see we've been coming to the Superbowl together for the past 20 years, and she recently passed away, so I bought the seat in her honor". "Wow!", replied the man - "That's very touching, but couldn't you find a friend or a family member to attend the game with you?"
"I tried!", replied the man - "but they're all at the funeral."


:canada1

:142smilie :142smilie :142smilie

 

[Morris]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror
as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing

the next hole.The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped

his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
apologize.

'Please allow me to help I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I
could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,'she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments and asked,'How does that feel'?

He replied:
'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'


:SIB

Good one! :mj07:

 

[taoist]

Chinese Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

"You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?!?!?!?"

:shrug:

 

[dunclock]

Chinese Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

"You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?!?!?!?"

:shrug:

:mj07: :142smilie :00hour

:nono:

 

[Morris]

Chinese Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

"You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?!?!?!?"

:shrug:

That is too funny!!! :mj07:

 

[gardenweasel]

buncha` racists....:grins: ................

a man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of viagra...

the doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose..

"why not?" asked the man...

"because it's not safe," replied the doctor.

"but i need it really bad," said the man.

"well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor!

the man said,"my girlfriend is coming into town on friday; my ex-wife will
be here on saturday; and my wife is coming home on sunday. ..can't you see?.. i must have a double dose!"

the doctor finally relented saying, "okay, i'l l give it to you, but you have
to come in on monday morning so that i can check you to see if there are any side effects."...

on monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling....

the doctor asked, "what happened to you?"

the man said, "no one showed up..."

 

[Kanuck]

Why are there only Two Pallbearers at a Pakistani Funeral?
























because they`re only two handles on a garbage can.

 

[Handi Capper]

my wife and i were on our way home one cold december nite on a ky. backroad when my wifespotted an animal on side of road. we stop,she gets out & checks on animal. she comes back to car & says its a baby skunk, its almost froze to death, can i take it home & feed it so it wont die. i said sure why not (what else can i say, read AR thread).
she gets the skunk back to the car & gets in and says its cold, i need to keep it warm till we get home. i suggest to put it between her legs, its warm & cozy there. yes she said but what about the smell, to which i responded "then hold its nose":scared

 

[momoney]

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have
a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to
the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from
12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he
could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know. they
have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a
huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills
just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at
the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I
won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and
took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar. you know there's swearing,
dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR
ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR FAWKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG,
EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES :0corn BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A
DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

and...they lived happily ever after.
Isn't that a sweet story? --:shrug:

 

[taoist]

...couple of lawyer jokes.... (If you can't make fun of yourself....)

...couple of lawyer jokes.... (If you can't make fun of yourself....)

A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening." With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"

That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.


____________________________________

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.


:SIB

 

[MadJack]

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

:142smilie

 

[ELVIS]

now that made me laugh. as a father of 3 - it really has meaning, sadly.