guy gets a knock at the door....

[CANADA MAN]

A Catholic, a Polock and a Jew are at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter says, "You all have the opportunity to ask for something you've always wanted - and I will grant that wish!"
The Catholic goes up first and says, "I've always wanted one of those really expensive Bibles with the nice paper and the Indian leather etc. etc., but I could never afford one." "A wise choice!", said Saint Peter as he reached under the counter and handed the man the most beautiful Bible he'd ever seen. The Polish man then steps up and says, "I would like a million dollars!" Saint Peter says, "This is heaven - there is no need for money - there is no currency here, so can you think of something else?" The Polock scratches his head thinking and says, "No - I'll just take the million dollars please." Saint Peter rolls his eyes and goes to the back for a minute and comes out with a huge pile of cash. He hands it to the Polock and says, I think there's about a million here - this is all the cash I could find. I don't know what you plan to do with it, but good luck to you!" The Jewish man steps up, looks at Saint Peter and says, "I see you're handing out cash! I too will take the cash!" Saint Peter, looking frustrated now says to the Jew, "Look man, I already gave the Polock all the cash I could find, and besides, like I said before there is no need for money in Heaven so you will just have to think of something else!" The Jew ponders for a few seconds scratching his beard and says to Saint Peter, "I'll tell you what - give me ten dollars worth of cheap jewelry, and show me which way the Polock went!"


...of course - no offense to anyone!!

:canada1

 

[momoney]

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/3620

 

[momoney]

Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.

They stopped and discovered a nude female, dead drunk.

Out of respect and propriety, the Kansas fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast.

The Texas fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.

Following their lead, the Missouri fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection.

First, he lifted up the KU cap, replaced it and wrote down some notes.

Next, he lifted the Texas cap, replaced it and wrote down some more notes.

The officer then lifted the MU cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

The Missouri fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something?" "Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?

"Well," said the officer. "I?m confused; normally when I look under an MU hat, I find an asshole."

 

[momoney]

Quick Thinking ....A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half of a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some ass-hole wants to buy half of a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "... and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who can think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing up there but whores and hockey players." "Really?" exclaimed the manager. "My wife is from Canada!" "No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?" :142smilie

 

[momoney]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his
priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the
poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to
leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box and,
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

 

[IntenseOperator]

A Catholic, a Polock and a Jew are at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter says, "You all have the opportunity to ask for something you've always wanted - and I will grant that wish!"
The Catholic goes up first and says, "I've always wanted one of those really expensive Bibles with the nice paper and the Indian leather etc. etc., but I could never afford one." "A wise choice!", said Saint Peter as he reached under the counter and handed the man the most beautiful Bible he'd ever seen. The Polish man then steps up and says, "I would like a million dollars!" Saint Peter says, "This is heaven - there is no need for money - there is no currency here, so can you think of something else?" The Polock scratches his head thinking and says, "No - I'll just take the million dollars please." Saint Peter rolls his eyes and goes to the back for a minute and comes out with a huge pile of cash. He hands it to the Polock and says, I think there's about a million here - this is all the cash I could find. I don't know what you plan to do with it, but good luck to you!" The Jewish man steps up, looks at Saint Peter and says, "I see you're handing out cash! I too will take the cash!" Saint Peter, looking frustrated now says to the Jew, "Look man, I already gave the Polock all the cash I could find, and besides, like I said before there is no need for money in Heaven so you will just have to think of something else!" The Jew ponders for a few seconds scratching his beard and says to Saint Peter, "I'll tell you what - give me ten dollars worth of cheap jewelry, and show me which way the Polock went!"


...of course - no offense to anyone!!

:canada1

:142smilie

 

[IntenseOperator]

A young priest is taking his first confession.

"Forgive me, father, for I have sinned," says a girl. "I have had oral sex with an encyclopedia salesman."

The priest doesn't know what to do. He leans out of the confession box and whispers over to the choir who are in church for a practice: "Pssst! Lads! What does Father Doherty give for a blow job?"

Little Liam pipes up: "A Mars Bar and a can of pop."

 

[Hamster]

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
REALLY Angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.


Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

 

[taoist]

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."


:scared

 

[MadJack]

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

 

[momoney]

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

Dude! You got issues!!! :scared :mj07: :scared


:0corn

 

[taoist]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."


:mj06:

 

[BADTODABONE]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday, and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass; what made ya come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you, Father. Awhile back, I misplaced me hat, and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."



The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"



Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."



The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"



Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Salt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

 

[BADTODABONE]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if
she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep
it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
"Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support
payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused
wife."Honey,"she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,and
fainted.

On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with
meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce."

 

[BADTODABONE]

Verne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized
that his wife, Lucrecia, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in
front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her
directly in the temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her
autopsy.

Coroner: "Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma
to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is
that correct?"

Verne: "Yes, sir, that's correct."

Coroner: "I also found a golf ball lodged in her rectum."

Verne: "A Titleist 3 with 2 green dots?"

Coroner: "Yes, it was. How do you account for that?"

Verne: "Mulligan."

 

[BADTODABONE]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of
me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at
the
pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night".

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street
corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize last night
at
the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years....
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears
to
make him come."

 

[BADTODABONE]

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio
whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. Don't listen to the kid, darling', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blond smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"

 

[BADTODABONE]

WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!






The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't
speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to
communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma,
you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
grandson...

"They won't let me fart."

 

[Kanuck]

Whats worse than lobsters on your piano?
























Crabs on your organ.

 

[Kanuck]

What do you get when you cross a Puerto Rican
and a Chinese?



















A car thief that can`t drive.