guy gets a knock at the door....

[MadJack]

Late one evening, the day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Rhodes a visit. "We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr Rhodes, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Obviously fearing the worst, Mr Rhodes asked for the bad news first.

"We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning."
Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Rhodes. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her."
"What?" a confused Mr Rhodes exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?"

As he smiled and smacked his lips, the officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

 

[MadJack]

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a ?20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."

 

[Axle]

The idiot next to me in the men's room:

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the rest room;
but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed:
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that?
At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"!

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

O.K., this question is just too weird for me;
but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them:
"No.........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously.....
"Listen, I'll have to call you back.
There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions